Kenney Joins This Man's Army

The five-o'clock shadow has begun training for a new career in the Canadian Forces, according to sources who recently spotted the Fred Flintstone double vigorously getting in shape at a local gym-eatery.

Yes, that's right folks, Jason Kenney, President Harper's irritating parliamentary secretary, is taking advantage of relaxed fitness rules to join the Army's elite paratroop division.

According to weight watchers, the buffless Kenney is making great strides to meet or beat the new fitness rules reported in a national newspaper today. Scott Taylor, a military veteran and editor of Esprit de Corps magazine, sums up the new requirements best. "If you are 450 pounds, they will recruit you and then put you in a fat camp until you are ready," he said in an interview.

According to the new rules Kenney would be a model grunt in the New Army. He's a perfect fit: short, round, permanently single, and has a personality that would drive the Taliban deeper into Pakistan. But we digress.

Kenney's strict exercice regime, according to sources who witnessed a Monty Python-like exercise binge at Darcy McGee's the other night, left many at the gym-bar awestruck at his steely determination to join This Man's Army. Kenney wolfed down a large pizza (equivalent of 50 sit-ups) then topped the sweaty workout off with a cheeseburger and fries (equivalent of 15 chin-ups). A mighty feat indeed.

Kenney's committment caught many off guard with one witness musing: "Food is not love Jason."

It's not known when Private Benjamin Kenney will head off to Petawawa to learn how to freefall from a plane. But those in the know about such things say that even if Kenney's chute fails to open during an excursion over southern Afghanistan, there is a good chance he would cause considerable damage to Taliban insurgents when he hit the ground.

We salute you Jason Kenney. You are almost in the army now.