Bully Beard Plays With Santa

Treasury Board Bully John Beard tried desperately to play Santa the other night at a special cocktail bash to celebrate the loss by the Republican-Conservatives to re-open the same sex marriage debate.

The international spokesman for hair weave products morphed into a playful elf after a few (too many) cocktails, say those who witnessed his shameless display trying to woo pants-only playmates to sit on his lap and tell Santa what they wanted for Christmas.

His official bag carrier, Diaper Boy Republican Conservative MP Pierre Poilievre, couldn't pass up the chance to clench his cheeks on his master's lap.

In fact, say those in attendance, the potty-mouth Poilievre nearly knocked over a waiter and several guests as he dashed across the room to jump into Beard's lap.

"Tell Santa what you want for Christmas," Beard asked his squirming flunky.

"I want to be more like you," Diaper Boy said.

"What else would you like?"

"I'd like an Easy Bake oven, a GI Joe, a Barbie, and a Hot Wheels set."

"Okaaaaaaaaaay," said Beard. "Get the fuck off my lap you pipsqueak."