Playing Santa Saves New RCMP Commish

Opting not to wear the traditional Disneyland colours of the national horsemen at his swearing-in, Wild Bill Elliot, the new commish of the RCMP, has been in a funk since getting the top mount.

Insiders at the bunker on the Queensway say the non-cop has been pouting since he caved to pressure not to wear the traditonal red serge when he was sworn in at a special ceremony in the Musical Ride stables attended by a bylaw control officer.

Elliot, a Republican Conservative hack with no police training except the time he donned a Barney Fife costume for Halloween, had been looking forward to wearing the traditonal colours, shooting a pistol and getting shot with a tazer.

While he has been busy on the range learning how to load his Glock (press button, pull out clip, insert loaded clip, don't shoot self in foot) he's still yearning to wear red.

We would suggest frilly red panties, but a quick-thinking constable came up with a better suggestion that saved the day and put a smile back on the face of Wild Bill.

"What about playing Santa Claus at the annual RCMP Christmas party," the constable and soon-to-be superintendent mentioned to RCMP brass.

Problem solved.

Elliot was later overheard saying that he wished every day was Christmas.

Doris Day Pens Yet Another Doozy (Deusie)

Public Safety Pin Minister Doris Day can't help himself.

Like a baby that needs regular diaper changes, the jet-ski enthusiast and Niagara River wrong-way raftsman can't stop sending dumbass missives on his home computer late at night when everyone else is in bed.

The Canadian Alliance leadership reject was at it again today, pounding on his Playskool keyboard in a desperate attempt to convince the rank and file of the RCMP to support his and President Harper's hand-picked crony to lead the Horsemen.

You can bet your grandmother's sagging behind that Billy Bob Elliot, a Republican Conservative hack picked by Doris and the cat lover to run the embattled national force, does not know what it's like to have "a hardened criminal stare him in the face."

That's what Day wrote to 26,000 members of the RCMP.

Twenty-four thousand wrote back: "Are you a fucking moron."

Elliot, a non-cop outsider, wouldn't know a crime if he stumbled across one. And all this Republican Conservative spin about Elliot's knowedge of national security issues is complete bull.

Word on the street is that Elliot knows more about National Lampoon films than national security.

This is the same dim bulb who reduced the Canadian Coast Guard to three canoes, a leaky air mattress and a pair of rubber boots.

And typical of the government, like all screw-ups in the higher ranks, he was continually promoted even higher within the bloated bureaucracy until he landed last week as the head trumpeter at the Musical Ride.

But we digress.

While Elliot will face nothing but the cold shoulder from those under his charge, it's the embarrassing antics of Day that need further scrutiny.

Doris is a Creationist luddite who champions global warming because one day (as he has written) when Victoria Island and Vancouver are submerged under rising seas he'll have an ocean-side view from his mountainside home.

Day also wants to arm summer student border guards, kill the gun registry, reverse same-sex legislation, turn the clock back on abortion, and erect a 100-metre statue in honour of his true God - Barney.

Canadian security is in safe hands folks.

You can sleep easy tonight knowing that the country's top Keystone Cop will be banging the keys of his kiddie computer that bring so much joy to so many.

Beard Stinks Up The Place

Minister of Hot Air and Global Warming John Beard stunk up Toronto today by announcing funding for an idiot index to guage how disastrous the Republican Conservative environmental plan really is.

Decked in an air mask and surrounded by male dancers in leopard skin tights handing out condoms, Beard, one of the architects of the Walkerton, Ont., environmental disaster when he was a cabinet flunkie under Mike Harris, was joined at Live Smogfest by co-Walkerton defendant Tony Millhouse Clement.

The only other Harris retread and Walkerton architect missing from the idiot index launch was Minister of Income Trusts Big Jim Flaherty.

All Three Stooges sat at the cabinet table when decisions were made to pull the plug on government funding to test water in Ontario as part of cost cutting.

While Beard stumbled his way through the announcement (a rough night we expect at one of his favourite leather bars the night before), at least Clement spoke the truth to the three people who showed up for the announcement.

Clement said air pollution is a problem that is getting worse because of the inaction of President Harper, a cat lover, who was in B.C. to announce the construction of an armada of Artic jet skis armed with sling shots to patrol the North in 2098.

Problem with the ice-breaker announcement is that by the time the ships are built, adventurers will be able to paddle a kayak through the Northwest Passage and hug a hungry polar bear.

They are all Knuts.

Juno Joyrider Sings The Blues

Minister of Wine, Dine and Hidden Expenses Bev Oda penned a hollow rant in the Toronto Star today to complain of the newspaper's accurate coverage of how the Republican Conservatives moved a step closer on Canada Day to flying the Stars and Stripes.

The feckless Juno joyrider obviously takes Canadians for idiots.

The hapless front-bencher had the audacity to say President Harper and the diaper rags around him did not interfere with the design of the Canada Day show for political gain.

Complete bullshit and the type of crap Canadians are learning to accept from a government with closer ties to the White House than, let's say, Newfoundland and Labrador, Nova Scotia, Saskatchewan and others.

What she forgot to say in her letter is that her lot tried to erase the historical red and white colours of the Maple Leaf from Canada Day festivities and replace them with Republican Conservative blue.

Even radio stations in Ottawa asked listeners to boycott July 1 events because of the foolish attempt by the lesser President to impose his party's colours on Canada Day and erase history.

You can bet your Uncle Sam's thong that next year if the lesser President, a cat lover, is still in office the Stars and Stripes will be flying.

Wake up people. The red, white and blue is coming at you.