Harper Full Of Beans

So, let us get this straight.

President Harper's idol, George Bush, comes to town with some Mexican guy.

Their stay in Canada creates a huge headache for the residents of Montebello, Que.

The cat lover orders a million-dollar fence around the Chateau Montebello complex to keep prying ears away from the nature of top secret talks.

Thousands of armed guards are deployed to beat and pepper spray a few unruly demonstrators on the outside of the fence.

Chipmunks and groundhogs are gassed on the inside of the fence. They knew too much.

Bush calls the lesser president Stephen.

The Mexican guys wonders why there is no snow.

Business leaders have a private audience with the three amigos.

And what is the pressing concern that emerges from the multi-million-dollar gabfest.

Jellybeans.

Fucking jellybeans.

It appears some candymaker has his wang tied in knots because regulations for jellybeans differ on both sides of the border.

Boo fucking hoo.

Word of advice to the jellybean guy.

Get stuffed.

As for Harper, layoff the beans, man.

You're looking like the Michelin Man.

President Harper Orders MPs To Island ATMs

President Harper had a shit fit of intergalactic proportions today at a heavily guarded Republican Conservative caucus snoozefest being held in Charlottetown.

While tanks circled outside and fighter jets flew overhead, sources inside a fortified meeting room said the lesser President, a cat lover, kicked chairs and tossed croissants at a select group of cabinet ministers and backbench Republican Conservative MPs.

"You cheap fucks," he said to the frugal flock of flunkies.

"Get your goddamn cheque books out NOW and start writing. And if you don't have your cheque books get your fat asses to the nearest ATM."

Harper flipped out after reading a story in a Toronto newspaper that showed that 60 per cent of his caucus were tightwads when it came to donating to the party in 2006. Included in that bunch were 18 cabinet ministers.

Insiders said some of the cabinet cheapskates were so scared of losing their jobs, status and perks, they handed over credit cards to make good with the President and said take as much as you want.

Harper's meltdown comes on the heels of a report last week that said Republican Conservative staffers on Parliament Hill were threatened with a Sopprano moment unless they coughed up $1,000 each to the party.

RCMP Commish Puckers Up For President Harper

The horseless head of the Musical Ride showed his best Kuma Sutra position today for his beloved President Harper.

Wild Bill Elliot, the non-cop chief of the men and women in red serge, thanked the hapless President with a special gift to the cat lover for giving him the top cop job in the country even though he knows shit about crime and policing.

Elliot's first act as the plainclothes leader of the RCMP was to send in the Mounties to the Delta Motel in Charlottetown to remove all journalists from the lobby of the one-star shack.

The lesser President ordered the removal of members of the national press gallery and local media so they would not have access to Republican Conservative wingnuts attending a three-day summer caucus of fools being held at the overpriced motel.

The media were ordered out by the President's personal police force or risked being dragged out by their digital tape recorders and empty wine glasses.

Of course, gallery members scattered like monkeys chasing bananas and bowed to the removal order as they usually do in these situations.