President Harper Orders MPs To Island ATMs

President Harper had a shit fit of intergalactic proportions today at a heavily guarded Republican Conservative caucus snoozefest being held in Charlottetown.

While tanks circled outside and fighter jets flew overhead, sources inside a fortified meeting room said the lesser President, a cat lover, kicked chairs and tossed croissants at a select group of cabinet ministers and backbench Republican Conservative MPs.

"You cheap fucks," he said to the frugal flock of flunkies.

"Get your goddamn cheque books out NOW and start writing. And if you don't have your cheque books get your fat asses to the nearest ATM."

Harper flipped out after reading a story in a Toronto newspaper that showed that 60 per cent of his caucus were tightwads when it came to donating to the party in 2006. Included in that bunch were 18 cabinet ministers.

Insiders said some of the cabinet cheapskates were so scared of losing their jobs, status and perks, they handed over credit cards to make good with the President and said take as much as you want.

Harper's meltdown comes on the heels of a report last week that said Republican Conservative staffers on Parliament Hill were threatened with a Sopprano moment unless they coughed up $1,000 each to the party.