Harper Shoves Typewriter Up Ass of Press Gallery

President Harper's open feud with the National Press Gallery got nastier today when the cat loving chump ordered his secretary to issue a few terse words on a used condom announcing that he was bailing on the gallery's annual dinner on Oct. 27.

The lesser President then called the Governor General and threatened her that if she wanted to continue pruning the roses at Rideau Gate she too should tell the gallery executive to piss up a rope. She dropped her shears and made the call.

Then the hapless Harper ordered his ministers to also send their regrets. And then staffers were told they would be fired if they attended.

Has Canada ever had such a diaper-wearing sissy in the Langevin Block.

A fucking wet baby.

A fucking disgrace.

Now the gallery is left with a dilemma.

Should the booze-fuelled rowdy night of jokes, food, and ass grabbing be scratched. Or should the gallery march on like good soldiers.

We at The Pain think the gallery should continue with the historic night and spend the night making fun of Baby Harper and the dickless seals that make up the front of his shorts.

Republican-Conservatives are no fun to party with anyways. All they want to talk about are guns, George Bush and jerking off.

As for Harper's excuse for not attending. Something about having John Baird over to wax each other's asses.

Harper Gushes Over New Title

Finally, after nearly a year of informing Canadians that Steve Harper models himself after his American Idol George Bush, The Pain has been proven right.

The lesser President, a cat lover, was in New York recently lying to the world as he typically does when he steps outside the cat mansion at 24 Sussex Drive.

In a speech that left many representatives at the United Nations scratching their crotches and chugging coffee to stay awake, the hapless Harper squealed like a giddy school girl when the magical words were said in front of the world.

"Thank you President Harper," UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon said after the lesser president uttered his last words on stage before heading to a fashionable Big Apple eatery to celebrate his new-found title.

After washing down a Big Mac, Quarter Pounder, fries, McNuggets and three apple pies with a chocolate shake, the lesser President belched loudly and told patrons to kneel before him to honour their President.

However, one patron, a gangsta rapper-type dude with gold studded nose piercings and a nine-millimetre, called Harper fat boy and told him to hand over his wallet.

"Fuck you Mr.Asshole. No one fucks with the Prez of this hood," the dude said before walking away.

Thanks Bumbling John Baird

Ottawa taxpayers can thank local Republican Conservative MP John Baird for a surge in property taxes thanks to the failed Environment Minister's meddling in civic affairs.

Bumbling Baird, a snarling darling of President Harper, was in hiding today after yet another lawsuit was filed against the City of Ottawa for cancelling a much-need light-rail project after deals were signed

Baird, as the world knows, took it upon himself when he was Tresury Board Princess to scuttle the project to help Larry, Moe and Curly as in O'Brien become mayor of the once-proud city.

Reports today show lawsuits have grown to $279 million. The latest to sue the city is St. Lawrence Cement Inc. They want a mere $103 million.

So thanks a lot Baird.

The only good that could come out of your mega million dollar interference play is that once Ottawa property owners see next year's tax assessment they will kick your well used ass out of office.

Once An Asshole, Always An Asshole

Just when you thought the most despised prime minister in Canadian history was resting in a home for retired political idiots, Brian Mulroney surfaced today to sell a book.

The 1,100 page doorstop is a recounting of Mulroney's foggy days in office before he left in a rye-induced haze to seek greener pastures on the board of director circuit.

Of course Mulroney doesn't mention the $43 billion deficit he left Canadians with when he stormed from office under the cover of Kim Campbell after the masses gathered outside the Parliament Building to burn his sorry Conservative ass in 1993.

Nor does he mention the fact that he is one of the fathers of separatism, having created and nurtured Lucienne Bouchard, who would later go on to form the Bloc Quebecois to carry out the master plan to destroy Canada.

No, what Lying Brian does is take cheap shots at Pierre Trudeau.

Mulroney didn't have the balls to take on Trudeau when he was alive, but somehow has found the courage to impune the reputation of a man who has been dead nearly six years.

Not much has changed with Mulroney.

He's fatter, older, still married to what's her name, still remains a close confidant of President Harper, still a barritone limp dick.

Canadians would be dumb as Harper's Republican Conservatives to buy the offerings of Muldoon.

And have a light dinner if you plan to watch a two-hour book promo on CTV on Sunday night. There is a good chance you will get two hours of why you hated and mistrusted Mulroney in the first place.

Then again, that could be a good thing for Canada.

Because some things never change.