Cops Set To Cuff John Bully Baird

Minister of Environmental Disasters John Baird is about to win the lottery of his life as the police net around him tightens.

A screaming headline in a major Ottawa newspaper today fingers Baird and other senior advisors to President Harper in the Ottawa mayoral bribery caper.

Baird, the newspaper reports, is the new focus of an Ontario Provincial Police investigation into allegations that Mayor Larry, Curly and Moe O'Brien offered a bribe to another candidate to get him to drop out of the race last year.

The cops are probing an alleged evening last summer at the overpriced Hy's Steakhouse reportedly attended by O'Brien and Baird, an Ottawa area MP who likes to do most of his partying in Toronto away from prying eyes in Ottawa.

Baird says he never met them at the restaurant, though The Pain hears witnesses have seen Baird and O'Brien and other high-ranking advisors to the lesser President in the restaurant private dining areas.

While the cops close in on Baird, the former Treasury Board princess was overheard the other day saying that a stint in prison would be like winning a lottery.

Do tell us more.

Halloween Cancelled At Cat Mansion

A special investigations unit of the RCMP was summoned to the cat mansion at 24 Sussex Drive today to investigate the disappearance of candy.

Insiders at the limestone residence of President Harper, his wife, two kids, and 47 cats, say bowls of chocolate bars, jelly beans, tiny chip bags and packets of gumdrops vanished sometime during the day.

The alleged theft prompted the mimes in the PMO to cancel Halloween this evening, where the lesser President was set to dole out the goodies to ghosts and goblins beginning at 6:30 p.m.

While the Mounted horsemen were dusting the drafty mansion for clues, the Pain has discovered video evidence of a less then elaborate scheme to defraud the country's youngsters of taxpayer funded candy.

It appears the lesser President has been fingered as the candy thief. Crystal clear video shows the Republican Conservative slumped in a chair, belching like a sailor on shore leave after a night on the town.

Strewn about his slippered feet were dozens and dozens of candy wrappers and several overturned bowls and one smashed pumpkin.

Case closed.

Taliban Jack Layton Loses Mind

Just how cuckoo is Taliban Jack Layton and his band of ferry misfits.

How about asylum-bound whacko.

Layton is itching for a federal election he desperately wants to lose so he can replace Hapless Howie Hampton on the Ontario front.

The tax and spend Layton was shooting off his hairy lip today to a bunch (three) poncho Lewd Democrats recently released from Millhaven Prison who have exressed an interest in carrying the Orange banner in the next election.

The stand-for-anything Layton (as long as it gets me a cheap sound bite on the news) was again promoting President Harper and his Republican Conservatives and trying to convince Liberals to switch to the NDP.

Layton has been watching his support slip faster than it takes Jason Kenney to wolf down a pizza, three hamburgers, a steak and fries.

He'll do just about anything to keep hold of his weakening grip on his fractured party. Remember a few months back when he introduced hand puppets as new candidates. Cuckoo.

However, he always forget to mention that the Green Party is about to supplant his dying party as the voice of the left.

And he forgets to mention that he and his party of wankers helped Harper kill the last government - effectively killing the Kyoto Accord, Kelowna Accord and a national child-care program.

His union with Harper has likely changed the once-proud face of Canada forever.

Layton is an embarrasment as a politician.

A puppet would be a better leader.

Layton Shows Why Canadians Thinks He Is An Ass

For a guy with a two-inch weenie, Taliban Jack In The Box Layton is acting these days like he's swinging a sausage.

The leader of the pinko Old Democrats has been pounding his chest like Tarzan on steroids in recent days with tough talk of bringing the Harper Republicans to their knees over the Throne Speech (SFT).

Layton's 30 member caucus of poncho wearers has been told by Taliban Jack that under no circumstances can they support the SFT.

It's up to Liberal Leader Stephane Dion, he says, to show leadership and get his MPs to join the lefty wing jobs.

Tough talk from the Taliban lover considering his caucus is small enough to fit inside a telephone booth.

It's easy for a dork with no sway in Parliament to make a bunch of dumb demands on the serious opposition in the House of Commons.

But in reality, Jack in the Box is not the gunslinger he purports to be.

This is the same dingo licker who propped up President Harper the last go around and helped kill Kyoto, a national child-care plan and the Kelowna Accord.

He also ordered his troop of monkey lickers to abstain from voting against Harper's softwood lumber deal - the deal that shoved a splintered plank up the ass of Canada's foresty industry and left a billion Canadian bucks in the hands of Americans.

Get back in your box Jack (ASS).

Harper Suckers Nova Scotians

Pity poor Rodney MacDonald, the dim-witted Republican premier of Nova Scotia who took one up the cherry for his minority team in a political rim job by President Harper that left his province with a huge stain on its collective butt.

Harper, a master at pitting one region against another while screwing over anything in between (women, children, aboriginals, environment, etc) suckered the fledgling MacDonald into signing a bogus side deal to the much maligned Atlantic Accord.

MacDonald showed why he has the political acumen of a zit by signing the deal that favours Ottawa over Nova Scotia. The treasonous signing will likely spell a quick end to a political career that had little life anyway.

Strangely, while MacDonald was grinning alongside the lesser President at a signing ceremony, it was left to Newfoundland Premier Danny Williams to defend the interests of Nova Scotians.

Calling the hapless Harper a small man, Williams said MacDonald showed weakness as a leader and was duped into signing a flawed deal.

"Stephen Harper has a way of preying on the weak....It just shows the pettiness of the man. It shows what he's all about....We can't trust him.," said Williams.

He couldn't have said it any better.