Baird Goes To Bali To Boink? Who?

Much chatter on the snow-covered streets of the capital today about Minister of Environmental Disasters John Baird's upcoming vacation to Indonesia.

The spokesman for hair weave products, sources say, is planning a rapid departure out of Ottawa in advance of an environmental summit in Bali in mid-December so he can spend four or five days prowling the hotspots of the surfer's paradise.

Baird was recently spotted at a downtown Zellers loading up on gel, lotions, sandals and a leopard thong for the taxpayer-funded vacation he is planning to take.

Others say, however, Baird wants to slip out of Canada before the Ontario Provincial Police come knocking at his door with a search warrant.

Baird has been fingered as a key player in Ottawa Mayor Larry O'Brien's bribery scandal.

O'Brien is in the shit house after allegations surfaced another candidate in last year's mayor's race was offered a bribe to quit the race.

While O'Brien denies any wrongdoing, the likes of Baird, Conservative diaper boy Pierre Poilievre, John Reynolds and Doug Finley - both confidants of President Harper - are also linked to the growing scandal that could cost O'Brien his job and trigger a byelection for a new mayor.

Stay tuned. We hear sirens in the distance.

Van Lunatic's IQ soars to 16

The chubby man with the title House Cleaner in President Stephen Harper's Republican Conservative dictatorship showed again this week why he is a knob of intergalactic proportions.

Peter Van Loonie, a self absorbed poster child for why certain parents should never have children, lost his cool yet again, directing a venomous attack against Ontario Premier Dalton McGuinty.

The squid-like Van Lunatic called McGuinty a small man of Confederation because the premier said Ontario was taking one up the yang under Harper's ill-thought seat redistribution plan.

Ontario, the country's largest province, is being short changed by about 10 seats by a Republican Conservative government that pits region against region and treats premiers like war criminals.

In defending the absurdity of Harper, Van Lunatic went as far to suggest the reason Ontario should take what Harper is offering is because there is not enough room in the House of Commons for more chairs.

What a fucking moron. Not enough room for seats.

Maybe if the super-sized fucks like Van Loan trimmed down, we could squeeze dozens more in the House of Commons.

Jet Ski Day A Caveman Not Worth Tasering

When he's not writing strange fiction in the middle night, Public Safety Pin Minister Doris Day makes caricatures out of monkeys out of Play-Doh.

Day, a jet-ski enthusiast, mused on the weekend that Canadians shouldn't be overly outraged that his personal police force zapped to death a confused Polish tourist at Vancouver Airport - a Taser death caught on videotape and transmitted around the world.

The world got a cold and shocking glimpse of the New Canada since President Stephen Harper, a cat lover, and his Republican Conservatives took office.

Day shrugged off the senseless stun gun attack and others equally horrifying in Canada by police, and suggested Canadians stop whining and vent their anger at drunk drivers.

Typical Day. Change the channel. Quit criticing the Keystone Cops he shepherds over.

It's not like the horsemen did anything wrong when Robert Dziekanski, 40, arrived.

The Polish immigrant was given a special Taser welcome under Harper's New Canada.

He was fucking killed by police after he got off the plane.

Welcome To The New Canada.

How Do You Spell Idiot: POILIEVRE

More stunning news outta President Harper's bunker of morons today.

Diaper Boy MP and hand-job artist Pierre Poilievre has enraged Ottawa's teenage set and school officials with his latest brainchild to stop teenagers from humping until they reach 16 years of age.

While it is not clear whether Poilievre has ever had sex (except perhaps with himself), the Ottawa area eyesore and potty mouth is offering teens a chance to win $1,000 if they write a 500-word essay and collect 25 signatures on a petition to raise the age of sexual consent to 16 from 14.

Students said the deal makes them uncomfortable.

"He is a very creepy person," a local teen told a local radio station. "He creeps me and my friends out."

Another teen, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, called Poilievre a dildo for treating teens like infants.

"He's a fucking weenie," the teen said.

"If I want to give someone head when I'm 15, I'm going down. He should take his essay and petition and go whack off in a corner."

Horny Conservatives are quietly condemning the move by Republican Conservatives to increase the age of consent.

Said one: "There's nothing sweeter than a young piece of ass. Pretty soon we'll be passing a motion to raise the drinking age to 28. Conservatives are experts at taking the fun out of life."

Que sera, sera.

MacKay Craps All Over Himself

Canadian taxpayers are on the hook for an indeterminate amount after a tailor was sent to Afghanistan today to help Minister of Booty Calls Peter MacKay clean his shorts.

The dog caller and Condoleeza Rice admirer (prrrrr) was sunning himself under the relative calm of a Khadahar sky when a mortar blew up about 80 kilometres away from his poolside chaise lounge.

MacKay, according to reports, knocked over a nun and priest as he dove for cover under a baby carriage.

When the all clear was given, the macholess MacKay jumped to his feet, apologized to the nun and priest and asked for another Bud.

What wasn't reported was the turd egg MacKay laid in his shorts when the mortar exploded - again 80 kilometres away.

MacKay was seen sporting a new pair of slacks today thanks to the tailor sent over on the taxpayer dime.

There is nothing like a clean pair of shorts when you are inspecting the Afghan booty, er, troops, eh MacKay?.

Republican Conservative Matriarch Dies

Sad news outta Ottawa today.

President Harper ordered all flags atop government buildings lowered after news tore through the town about the party's matriach dying.

Famous for teaching sign language, Washoe The Chimp, died of natural causes Tuesday night, according to Roger and Deborah Fouts, co-founders of the Chimpanzee and Human Communications Institute.

The 42-year-old monkey was famous in Republican Conservative circles, according to those who knew the banana lover.

"She will be missed," a despondent Republican Conservative MP said today. "She brought joy and laughter to our caucus."

Many credit Washoe with the communications strategy behind the lesser President's shaky hold on power and his loving relationship with the National Press Gallery.

"She lifted our spirits everytime she came to Ottawa," said an MP.

"Everone knows we are under strict orders not to speak to the media, but no one said anything about using sign language."

Washoe's most famous student in caucus is diaper boy Pierre Poilievre, who was given an A recently for giving the finger to Opposition MPs in the House of Commons.

When news of Washoe's death reached the prepubescent MP, Poilievre cried like the baby he is.