President Harper A LIAR

Good news out of Ottawa today that proves once and for all President Harper is a climate denier and a Kyoto basher.

The lesser President, a cat lover, knows shit about the environment otherwise he wouldn't have yanked John Beard from the Treasury Board closet and put the hair weave spokesman in a portfolio he too knows shit about.

The lesser President, who is ferried around town in a motorcade of gas-guzzling SUVs, was caught in a huge LIE today when the contents of a fundraising letter the Republican-Conservative penned were given to the media.

In the letter, Harper ridiculed the Kyoto accord as a money-sucking socialist scheme and said he would battle to defeat it.

The clown prince of deception derided the global treaty and questioned the science of climate change in the 2002 letter sent to members of his now-defunct Canadian Alliance party of knuckle draggers.

``Kyoto is essentially a socialist scheme to suck money out of wealth-producing nations,'' Harper says in the letter.

`Implementing Kyoto will cripple the oil and gas industry, which is essential to the economies of Newfoundland, Nova Scotia, Saskatchewan, Alberta and British Columbia . . .

``Workers and consumers everywhere in Canada will lose. THERE ARE NO CANADIAN WINNERS UNDER THE KYOTO ACCORD.''

He also blasted the treaty for targeting carbon dioxide _ which he said is ``essential to life'' _ and played down the science of climate change as ``tentative and contradictory.''

Harper went on to promise a ``battle of Kyoto'' in hope of defeating the Chretien Liberals' efforts to implement the treaty legislation in the House of Commons.

``But we can't do it alone. It will take an army of Canadians to beat Kyoto, just as it did to beat (the) Charlottetown (constitutional accord),'' he wrote.

Coverage of Harper's true views on the environment and his hidden agenda was so extensive that Matt Drudge of the U.S.-based Drudge Report carried a link to a CBC story. (Not so on the Republican-Conservative bought and paid for Dork Snooze.)

Harper used the letter to solicit funds from party faithful. Now the letter is being used to kick him out of office. Bout time.

Harper Bites Head Off Baby

The camera zooms in and stops.

President Harper's ice-cold eyes and Republican Conservative haircut fill the TV screen. He licks his chapped lips, opens his mouth, raises his arm and forces the head of a kitten in his mouth.

Crunch as the head is bitten off (Sorry Ozzie). More crunches. Coughing as the lesser President chokes on some fur. Then he starts laughing.

"I want more Cheddar," he says through bites and fits of gregarious laughter.

Then a voice is heard: THIS AD HAS BEEN BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE MAJORITY OF CANADIANS WHO CAN'T STAND ATTACK ADS.

Harper Pal Watches Failed Finley

RayBan promoter Diane Finley has a new set of eyes in her office to track her every stupid move.

The newly minted Minister of Temporary Resident Permits has been saddled with a new chief of staff, an unqualified childhood pal of President Harper.

The lesser president has imposed John Weissenberger on the hapless Finley, the failed former minister human resources and lack of development.

Finley, as the world knows, was demoted in a recent cabinet shuffle because she failed to create any child care spaces after having been on the job for a year.

Not one bleeping space. Didn't Get The Job Done. Didn't Know What The Job Was.

She has also let a native occupation in her riding escalate for the last several months without using her clout at cabinet to help fix things in Caledonia, Ont.

To keep track of Finley, the lesser President, a cat lover, brought in long-time drinking buddy Weissenberger to run Finley's ministerial digs.

Problem is Weissenberger knows shit about immigration. The guy is a geologist for christ's sake.

The only thing going for Weissenberger is his long relationship with the lesser President. They were graduate students at the University of Calgary and were co-chairs of the school's nerd association.

Harper even introduced Weissenberger to his present wife while they were in school.

The appointment is a sham and goes to show that it's not what you know in this Republican-Conservative administration, it's who you know.

Tonto Taunt Haunts Harper

Just when President Harper thought he had muzzled all his backbench sheep, British Columbia Republican Conservative MP Colin Mayes broke free from the pen and stepped in a huge pile of crapola.

Mayes, as you will remember, is the rookie boob who once mused that journalists should be jailed for writing negative stories about his party of cave dwellers.

Now the tarnished chairman of the House of Commons aboriginal affairs committee is in deep doo doo for praising a racist e-mail joke about First Nations and civil servants that uses stereotype language such as Tonto and Chief.

Opposition critics says Mayes should follow the lead of the previous chair of the committee, bible thumper Maurice Vellacott, who was forced to resign over his inappropriate comments about Supreme Court judges’ “God-like powers.”

Where the lesser president finds these dimwits is beyond me. Not much to choose from along the back benches I guess.

And the question journalists should be asking is: Who else did Mayes pass along the e-mail joke to.

Stay tuned.

Pussy Galore In Republican-Conservative Ranks

How far is President Harper's chief mime willing to go to pucker up to her Republican-Conservative actionless figurine?

Pretty far, say kitty litter enthusiasts.

As the world knows, President Harper spends more time with his cats than his children, a relationship that has not gone unnoticed by Sandra Buckler, the President's muted director of communist communications.

The much disrespected Buckler (just ask anyone in the National Press Gallery and Hill staffers) has been on the outs with those in the White House North bunker for months for her increasingly strange behaviour.

With the walls closing in around the former manicurist, Buckler hatched one of her more brilliant ideas to ingratiate herself with the lesser President, a cat lover, and save a job she should have been fired from months ago.

Host a birthday party for her feline, Sophie.

That's right, the genius sent an e-mail to all her friends (three at last count) inviting them to a gathering to celebrate the cat's eighth year in Buckler's custody.

"We're hoping you can join us . . . for a Cinq a Sept in the birthday kitty's honour. We will have tasty treats, fancy drinks and a warm and inviting environment," the dopey Buckler meowed in the intercepted e-mail.

Apparently, a pack of cats on days passes from the SPCA showed up at the event with a troop of Republican Conservative pussies in tow.

Guests were taught the fine art of how to scoop cat shit from kitty litter boxes and how to hide the smell of cat piss.

Bravo Buckler. Your job is safe for another day.

Cow Kicks Layton In Head

Jack in the box Layton had them rolling in the aisles (NOT) this week at a meeting of Manitoba cowboys in Brandon.

The city slicker from Toronto embarrassed himself and his fledgling party of poncho-clad lefties when he used a speech to cattle ranchers to warn of the dangers of SARS.

"Another important issue is SARS. I was just talking to a cattle producer today who said the situation is worse now than when we were in the middle of SARS," Layton said to stunned onlookers.

What Layton didn't say was that he got kicked in the noggin while trying to milk a pig earlier in the day. That would explain his repeated references to SARS in his speech when, in fact, he should have been saying BSE.

Even those in the audience tried to correct Layton through hand gestures and loud whispers to point out his faux pas.

He finally realized the error of his ways when many jumped to their feet and shouted: "BSE, you asshole."

To which Layton responded: "I'm sorry, did I say SARS? I meant BSE. SARS is a Toronto problem."

Farmers were not amused by Layton's gaffe. One told journalists afterwards that politicians "are all stupid."

Perhaps, but some are dumber than others. Take a bow Jack.

Gas Emissions Rise After Lunn and Beard Talk

Greenhouse gas emissions rose by about three megatonnes today after Republican Conservatives' John Beard and Gary Coleman Lunn opened their pie holes in Ottawa and re-announced Liberal plans to cut emissions.

Beard, the minister repsonsible for global warming and hot air, and Lunn, minister responsible for natural disasters and menus for cabinet retreats, suckered taxpayers again with yet another of President Harper's optics' announcements.

The President has been in the White House North bunker for a year and has not done one single thing to help the planet. All George Jr. has done is kill program after program that would have helped clean the air we breathe. He also drives around in a gas-guzzling presidential motorcade of SUVs.

Taxpayers should be outraged at Beard, the international spokesman for hair weave products, and his travelling companion.

Neither knows shite about the environment, and simply used today's announcement as an excuse to fly on the taxpayer dime to Regina to attend a Jan. 17 fundraiser for Republican Conservative ass kisser Tom Lukiwiski.

You see, when Beard was Treasury Board bully he agreed months ago to be the guest of honor at Lukiwiski's $100 a pop fundraiser scheduled for tonight. (It costs a hundred bucks to get access to Baird).

Flash forward to today and now not only has Beard found some new lame-ass excuse to visit Regina, he's bringing the shortest man in President Harper's cabinet. (Thank God Lunn can easily fit into a carry-on bag and flies for free.)

Why Canadians are not smoking mad about the abuse of public funds is beyond me.

Wake up people. The president thinks you are stupid.

Where Are The Election Cops?

Hey Dork! How much did it cost Fawning Affairs Minister Peter MacKay to buy today's website headline that read: CSI Gumshoe MacKay's Mexican Probe?

Headline should have read: Inspector Clousseau MacKay Calls Mexican Babe Chihuahua.

The Canadian Press reported today that headlines and links to stories can be bought on Dork Snooze, a common practice used by President Harper's Republican Conservatives as reported here last month.

While Dork makes no bones about propping up a paying political customer, the failed go-cart driver has been exposed as an unreliable source for daily news.

But what's worse is the unchecked fraud being committed by the Republican Conservatives. The scam raises serious campaign financing issues.

Election Canada laws are clear when it comes to advertising, and every story bought and paid for by the neo-con President's party amounts to advertising.

So where are the receipts? Where is the official agent tag on those stories? Where are the cops?

Let's not forget, this is the party that lied in the House of Commons about its 2005 convention fees and the secret set of books it used to skirt the law.

Mehtinks there is yet another set of books full of interesting reading.

Jason Kenney Needs An Identity: Or another Pizza

We've been laughing so hard at the appointment of Fred Flintstone double Jason Kenney to President Harper's cabinet that we nearly twisted an intestine.

The cat-loving lesser President appointed the human garbage bin to the new position of secretary of state responsible for multi-culturalism and Canadian identity. We are still in stitches.

The stubble-faced irritant, of course, is identity challenged. Multiculturalism to him are the toppings on a deep-dish, combination pizza with extra cheeze.

His new position is merely a front for the Republican Conservative to criss-cross the country on the public dime to woo ethnic support before the next election.

Canadians should be outraged that the always single ass kisser and routine liar in the House of Commons is now responsible for multiculturalism and Canadian identity.

Translated, the China basher wants Canadians to be more like him - a scary neo-con who opposes same-sex marriage, pre-marital sex, abortion and many other issues woven into the fabric that makes up Canada.

Kenney is an ardent proponent of opening the Constitution to legalize his outdated social conservative views.

He is the bridge between President Harper and the lesser President's true advisers, the gun-toting, Bible-thumping, homophobic Christian right.

Kenney uses the same playbook as Republican-Conservative spiritual mentor Ted Haggard, the disgraced former head of the National Association of Evangelicals.

Haggard, of course, gained celebrity status, after lying about and then apologizing for taking drugs and having sex with male prostitutes after a lifetime crusading against taking drugs and having sex with male prostitutes.

Kenney will likely fall on his pulpit too. We can only pray.

Beard's Mouth Source Of Global Warming: Al Gore

After celebrating the long overdue decision by the little known Wajid Khan to finally shed his toupee and come out of the closet to join the Republican-Conservatives led by President Harper, it's time to focus the spotlight on a different closet - the appointment of former Treasury Board Bully John Beard as Minister Responsible for Global Warming and Hot Air.

The cat-loving spokesman for international hair weave products replaced the bumbling Rona Ambrose, whose Grand Marnier plan to tax farting and burping to fix global warming turned into an unmitigated disaster for the lesser President, also a cat lover.

The president's decision to pick Beard was, of course, met with howls of laughter and snot fits around the world. In fact, more ice bergs were seen off the coast of Newfoundland only moments after Beard was sworn in.

Beard, as those in the national capital are well aware, stuck it to Ottawans during the November mayoral race when he pulled $200 million in previously approved federal funding from the table to expand light rail.

Documents show he did it solely for partisan purposes with no regard to the positive environmental impact a light rail system would have on the city.

Mass transit projects, last we heard, keep cars off the road.

But Beard deliberately killed light rail, a decision that has likely left the city and the federal government on the hook for a multi-nillion dollar lawsuit.

Beard's Ottawa calamity shows he knows zippo about the environment.

Never did, never will.

He's a loud-mouth bully who has a long history of ineptitude as a minister, both federally and provincially. Facts are replaced with rhetoric when he ramps up his rabid cat routine in the House of Commons.

Readers need to be reminded that Beard was part of the Mike Harris cabal that nearly destroyed Ontario when the Duffer was Premier.

Beard was known as Blackout Baird after he left more than 10 million Ontarians without electricity for nearly two days in 2003. Completely in the dark.

Beard couldn't even read his own hydro bill produced by his department when he was energy minister under the Duffer. And this is the boobie prize the lesser President, or his wife, wants to fix the environment.

Beard is also a soulmate of Two Tier Tony Clement, another Duffer disaster in the lesser President's cabinet who ignored dire warning that led to the water tragedy in Walkerton, Ont., where some residents died and others were left with life-long health problems, including children.

This is Beard's record. And there's more.

Beard was the boombox who oversaw the $500 million Accenture computer boondoggle when he was Ontario's social services minister. A half billion bucks gone under his watch.

Beard was the Duffer minister who blew nearly $2 million of taxpayers' money on partisan advertising to tell the public how great he was.

Beard was the Duffer minister who approved a 48-cent Timbit donut expense for one of his staffers.

Beard's appetite to screw the taxpayer was legendary at Queen's Park. He routinely stuck taxpayers with hefty bills for late-night drinks and meals at swank Toronto clubs while he was responsible for Ontario's poor.

Beard also wasted another $5,000 on image consultants to learn how to dolly himself in front of TV cameras. Money not well spent considering his image still sucks.

But, hey, if this is the guy the lesser President wants to champion the environment in the next election, the Pain says bring it on. Beard, like Ambrose before him and the lesser President now, has no plan.

He remains part of a Republican-Conservative party that disputes science and fact that show the planet is in trouble. The Inconvenient Truth.