Firing Squad Awaits O'Connor At Dawn

Former arms lobbyist Gordon O'Connor is taking his final breaths today as Minister of Military Failure.

Ottawa is rife with speculation President Harper's hand-picked war mongerer is about to face a public firing squad for dereliction of duty and forgetting to buy Timbits at the last cabinet electric shock retreat.

The Republican Conservative cabinet's weakest link is quietly saying his goodbyes to floor washers at the Department of National Defence before he is sent to Afghanistan, covered in poppies, strapped to a tank and sent into the heart of Taliban territory.

Taliban commanders said from Afghanistan they have no need for O'Connor, but if Harper wanted to throw in a bag of Tim Horton's coffee and some chili in a bun they would reconsider.

''We hear the O'Connor person left a big mess back in Canada,'' said a Taliban chieftain.

''We will use him to pick up camel dung and clean the stalls of our goats. But we want the coffee and chili first. Your president is a known liar.''

While O'Connor contemplates his fate, his staff are shooting off their mouths around town that their boss is stronger, safer and better than anyone else on the front benches of a regressive Republican Conservative regime.

Even O'Connor is telling anyone in earshot that he is staying put.

(How can the lesser President, a cat lover, leave an anglo embarrassment in job when he will need a defence minister who can speak French to explain to Quebecers why their sons and daughters died on the battlefield.)

Yeah, you're staying put O'Connor.

Canada Not Stronger, Safer, Better Under President Harper

President Harper trotted out the tired old line of his mentor George W. Bush today while in New Brunswick to announce that drivers can drive as fast as they want on any of the provinces highways.

The lesser President, a cat lover, tried to cover over the fact premiers in Atlantic Canada think he is a liar, backstabber, and cheat with his re-announcement of what he announced right after the 2006 election, which was announced by the Liberals before the 2006 election.

"Today's announcement is a testament to what can be achieved when Ottawa and the provinces embrace the true spirit of the federalism of openness and work together to make Canada stronger, safer and better," he said.

Stronger, safer, better. Hmmmmmm. Where have we heard that phrase before.

Could it be that stronger, safer, better was the phrase used by George W and Dick Cheney during the 2004 presidential race.

Could it be that the lesser President models everything his Canadian Republican Conservatives do after their kissing cousins south of the border.

Could it be that the lesser President doesn't have an original thought in his head.

It certainly could.

Republican Conservative Logo Targets Taliban

News out of Ottawa suggests President Harper's Republican Conservatives are about to announce a multi million dollar advertising strategy that will see the party logo emblazen Canadian tanks in Afghanistan.

"Can you imagine seeing a tank with the Republican Conservative logo coming at you," said a highly placed source. "If that doesn't scare the turbans off the Taliban, I don't know what will."

The lesser President, a cat lover, came up with the brainchild after the highly unsuccessful launch of last weekend's bizarre ad campaign to run the party logo on a garbage truck with the slogan: "Trash Us And You'll Be Arrested."

The increasingly bizarre actions of the lesser President has certainly been raising eyebrows in Ottawa, and around the world.

Sources embedded in the White House North bunker say Harper is spending more and more time in the bong room with his personal psychic and hairdresser.

"He's never recovered from the suicide of his cat Cheddar," said the source. "He's not right"

Indeed.

More proof of Harper's insanity was his attempt today to catch Opposition parties off guard by secretly recalling Parliament and passing legislation proclaiming him dicktator for life.

The plot was foiled when a couple of Liberal MPs playing Frisbee on the front lawn of Parliament Hill got wind of the diabolical scheme and rushed to the House of Commons in time to tell minority government MPs to piss off.

Canada is breathing easier for their quick actions.

But the threat remains.

Summer Tips For President Harper

President Harper can hide behind his blush and crystal balls, but what he should really be doing is preparing for the long, hot summer that awaits him and his flock of Republican Conservative sheep.

Here a few suggestions on what the lesser President, a cat lover, should do if he wants the growing hostility Canadians feel towards him to abate: Just kidding, that won't happen, but here are some tips anyways:

(1). Take a three-week course in anger management. You are one pissed off mother.... You scare children.

(2).Use some Windex on your crystal ball. The messaging you are receiving from your taxpayer paid for personal psychic is obviously clouded (like your judgment).

(3).Go back to Stornoway and dig up the cat you buried in the garden at the end of the laneway (on the right side as you look up from the street).

(4).Use more blush or start telling the truth. That crease down the right side of your face gets deeper everytime you lie. While your at it, use sweat resistant make-up so you don't look like a stuck pig on the BBQ circuit.

(5). Have a garage sale at the cat mansion at 24 Sussex Drive. Invite a puppy.

(6). Go to Nova Scotia for a vacation. The sea air will do you good. Then go to Newfoundland and Labrador. Catch a ride on a ice floe. Smack a seal pup.

(7). Force John Beard to fess up with his mother. Tell her John John who you really are and why you like lollipops.

(8). Hug your children. Handshakes are for sissies.

(9). Extra lean ground beef is the way to go. Dude, your midsection.

(10).If you are looking for a new chauffeur, you should consider the crash test retread you sponsor on the CRASHCAR Series.

(11). Use your influence to get Peter MacKay and Gerard Keddy onto Ellesmere Island to assert Canadian sovereignty. Both will have a lot of time on their hands after the next election and could do Canada proud up North.

(12). No public outings in a thong.

(13). Go to Toronto and take a deep breath. That's your environment plan at work.

Crash Test Dummy Drives For President Harper

Pierre Bourque, the go-kart crash specialist and Republican Conservative shill meister, hit the payload today after President Harper's party of lugnuts, flat tires and cracked windshields coughed up a lot of bling to sponsor his rusty red wagon in the Crappy Tire CRASHCAR Series.

Bourque has his stick shift so far up the exhaust pipes of Republican Conservatives he has become a partisan boob on his Dork Snooze website.

Everyone knows the Republican Conservatives have been paying Dork bags of cash to run Conservative friendly stories on his website while keeping Liberal friendly stories off.

The much-needed cash has been used to fuel his gas-guzzling, fume-spewing wagon in a series of car races nobody watches. In fact, there is more entertainment on the Don Valley Parkway at rush hour than the sleepy series Dork drives in.

His relationship with the lesser President, a cat lover, was confirmed when four cabinet ministers and 10 MPs showed up on the taxpayer dime Sunday to announce the endorsement of his GHG emitting car (with a top speed of about 40 km-h when Dork is behind the wheel).

Dork has been dreaming for years of moving into the Busch series of NASCAR, and even the premiere Nextel Cup series, but because he races no faster than a tricycle being ridden by a chimp and he has a tendency to crash, his dream died long ago.

So the Ricky Booby wannabe opted for the next best thing: Racing in the Thirld World of car races. He would do better as a camel jockey.

It won't be long before the Conservative logo on the hood of the Dork Dodge becomes a crumpled mass - a symbol of where the Republican Conservatives are headed.

We at the Pain feel bad for Dodge. Having the Conservative Party logo on one of its cherished vehicles will only send future car buyers to Chevrolet.

But we at the Pain are also intrigued by the Republican Conservative commitment to carbon emission reductions.

Has President Harper Gone Bonkers? Oh Yeah!!!

Someone at the White House North bunker should rush across the street to President Harper's Centre Block office and perform the difficult task of removing the lesser President's head from his ass before he suffocates in his own crap.

Anyone watching the George Bush clone today nearly upchucked in disbelief at his MIA take on his Republican Conservative government's bully treatment of Atlantic Canada and Saskatchewan.

The cat lover, fresh from embarrassing Canada on the world stage in Germany, had the gall to suggest his government doesn't break contracts, and if the provinces don't kiss his ring, he will take them to court if they keep accurately portraying his luddite government of being vindictive liars.

"We respect contracts," the feckless divide boasted at a news conference. He forgot to mention the Kelowna Accord, child-care deals, literacy programs and, of course, international environmental deals he has broken, among many others.

Harper proves on a daily basis he is unfit to govern. He lacks the policy and vision needed to unite the country.

Instead, he and his merry group of boot lickers prefer to divide the country, to pit region against region, premier against premier.

Dictionaries Add New Definitions

Officials at dictionary giants' Oxford And Webster's huddled behind closed doors this week to draft drastic changes to their respective books of meanings.

Editors say President Harper's Republican Conservatives have forced key changes to the definitions of liars, morons, and feckless (as in idiots).

In future, say editors close to the historic rewrites, the definiton of liar will include a photo of the lesser President's cabinet and his monkey troop of back-bench MPs, otherwise known as gutless, muzzled sheep. Step forward all Republican Conservative MPs from Atlantic Canada and Saskatchewan.

Moron will now come with a photo of Peter Van Lunatic, the failed former president of the Progressive Conservative party and the whiniest voice inside Parliament.

And the definition of feckless idiots, say editors, will apply to the entire Conservative caucus, who collectively with the help of House of Commons Lame Duck Speaker Peter Milliken, have brought international shame and humiliation on an institution that once stood proud in the eyes of the world.

Harper Dines On French Cuisine For First Time

Residents of Paris were Thunderstruck today by the frumpy looking baguette carrier strolling through the French capital alongside Nicolas Sarkozy, the country's new president.

It was none other than President Harper, Canada's Republican Conservative leader who doesn't have the guts to walk through a street in Canada unless he is surrounded by Rick Hillier,a convoy of tanks, armoured vehicles and CF-18's flying overhead.

The lesser President, of course, is a nobody in France and pretty much everywhere else in the world, so it wasn't too difficult for him to join the popular Sarkozy on a walkabout to a McDonald's for a breakfast of Big Macs, fries and chocolate shakes.

Harper was overheard telling one of the doormats that travels with him that he was keen to try some French cuisine on his visit so they took him through the Golden Arches. He was later overheard saying French food was overrated.

Harper is in Europe for the International Yuk Yuk Convention - an annual event where unpopular leaders are given a podium to allow the rest of the world to laugh at them.

And Harper stole the show with his monologue on the environment.

The world was still laughing this morning at the lesser President for a plan that was written by one of the best joke writers in the business - John Beard, the rabid neo-con who knows zippo about the environment and even less about himself.