Harper Chef Buries Cat, Wins Lawsuit Against President

Taxpayers got hit in the hubcaps again today after paying out a wrongful dismissal suit filed by a former chef to President Harper when the Republican Conservative leader lived at Stornoway, the official residence of the opposition leader.

Henrik Lundsgaard was left behind at the drafty mansion in Rockliffe Park when the President temporarily moved into the cat mansion at 24 Sussex Drive.

Lundsgaard sued Harper and his Beard-loving wife, claiming the hand-shaking couple unfairly fired him after promising him the chance to operate a new dishwasher at 24 Sussex.

In court documents, the Easy-Bake oven expert claimed the Harpers asked him to perform a number of duties unrelated to the kitchen, such as ferrying the Harper brats off to school, dropping off laundry soaked in cat piss at the dry cleaners and even burying the family cat when it died. ($100 to anyone who can find the skeletal remains of the cat burried somewhere on the Stornoway property).

The traumatized chef claimed the firing was professionally embarrassing and caused him to seek medical help for his noggin.

He was all smiles today after winning the case against the President.

"It's a victory for all chefs," Lundsgaard decried outside court. "The President does not need a chef. He should just move closer to a McDonald's. That's all he eats anyway. Just look at him. Mon dieu."

Vanlunatic Lies Like A True Republican

So Peter Vanlunatic has joined the growing number of bald-faced liars surrounding President Harper, a cat lover.

The new talking head for the Republican Conservatives in the House of Commons has been wrongly attacking Liberal justice critic Marlene Jennings over her stern line of questions related to the President's stacking of judicial nomination committees.

Vanlunatic, the liar, keeps shooting off his pie hole that Jenning's husband, Maitre Luciano G. Del Negro, was appointed to the Immigration Refugee Board in 1997 because he was a card-carrying Liberal married to Grit MP.

If Vanlunatic bothered to check the facts before slandering people in the Commons, the self-styled Barney Rubble to Jason Kenney's Fred Flintstone, would know how much of a dolt he has become in the eyes of the Canadian public.

The facts are clear as the gin Vanlunatic guzzles: Del Negro has never been a member of the Liberal Party in Quebec. His wife was first elected as an MP several months after he was appointed to the IRB. He has a solid background in immigration law, which made him an ideal candidate for an IRB job.

But why would Vanlunatic let the facts stand in the way of a good smear.

Afterall, that's the Republican Conservative way. Smear, slander and libel anyone that does not buy into your neo conservative agenda.

Knuckledraggers. President Harper has trained his seals well.

Vanlunatic Joins Annoying Club

There is a new annoying insect on the Republican-Conservative side of the House.

Peter Vanlunatic. Or Vanloonie.

The Jason Kenney look-a-like, a former president of the Progressive Conservatives before he crawled to the Regressive Conservative Republicans, is the new poster boy for high-pitched whining in the House of Commons.

The sound of fingernails scraping across a chalk board comes to mind when Vanlunatic opens his pie hole, a hole (judging by the size of Vanloonie) has seen a few pies.

The irritating Vanlunatic lacks grace in the daily Question Period and comes across as yet another dud in President Harper's entourage of luddites.

We want Fred Flintstone back.

Numbskull Dipper Should Resign

Shame on Jack in the Box Layton and his party of leftie poncho wearers.

The Dipsy Doodlers ducked for cover today after the RCMP finally laid charges in the income trust debacle against a Finance Department bureaucrat - and NOT a politician -with a penchant for the high life. (See item below).

The Dippycrats made up a whole pile of lies to convince the Mounties that Liberal political types were behind a leak into income trust changes that led to some questionnable trading on Bay Street during the 05-06 federal election campaign.

There are many who believe the investigation gave President Harper, a cat lover, a minority when he should have been buried in his political, right-wing grave.

On Nov. 23, 2005, trading of income trusts and related stocks spiked hours before an anticipated announcement by then finance minister Ralph Goodale.

The NDP's Judy Washalotofsheets first requested the Mounties probe allegations that some Liberal partisan in Paul Martin's government had given markets advance notice of the contents of the announcement.

Now we know the midget dipper was way off the mark in her partisan zeal to save her tiny behind from political defeat.

Washalotofsheets has some explaining to do as do the Republican Conservative luddites who played footsie with their Orange cousins during the last election.

Judy Washalotofsheets Better Start Apologizing

RCMP Concludes Income Trusts Investigation



Ottawa, February 15, 2007 – RCMP "A" Division Ottawa Commercial Crime, assisted by the Integrated Market Enforcement Teams, laid a charge against Serge Nadeau earlier today in connection with the income trusts investigation.

The investigation was initiated in December 2005 when the RCMP received allegations regarding a possible breach of security and illegal transfer of information in advance of the Government of Canada’s Nov. 23, 2005, announcement of changes to the taxation of Canadian corporate dividends and income trusts.

Serge Nadeau, age 50 of Ottawa, General Director, Analysis, Tax Policy Branch, Department of Finance Canada, is charged with Criminal Breach of Trust, in connection with the duties of his office. It is alleged that he used confidential Government of Canada information for the purchase of securities which gave him a personal benefit. Breach of Trust, under Section 122 of the Criminal Code of Canada, is an indictable offence with a maximum penalty of imprisonment for up to five years.

The RCMP works to maintain confidence in Canadian markets by preventing, detecting and deterring crimes that affect the Canadian economy. The RCMP has conducted an exhaustive investigation.

Why Harper Is Full Of Shit

President Harper's hypocrisy knows no bounds.

Last week we reported that the lesser President, a cat lover, ordered his cabinet of knuckledraggers to turn their idling limos off as a key plank in his plan to save the environment. (Taxing burping and farting remain the top tiers of his green plan).

Fast forward to today and what did The Pain see - eight cabinet limos, yes eight, parked outside the White House North bunker, with the engines running and nary a minister in sight.

The lesser President, now a lying cat lover, is so full of crap the toilets in the Bush junior bunker (Langevin Block) are overflowing.

Harper Would Trample Social Rights

So President Harper launched a new series of attack ads in Quebec today just as the cat loving putz sees his party of Republican-Conservative climate deniers drop in the polls in la belle province.

The lesser President's lust to portary Liberal Leader Stephane Dion as the bogey man is driven purely by the lesser President's desire to pull the plug on Parliament and call a snap election.

Liberals, and apparently Al Gore, are saying: Bring It On.

There is enought fodder out there to convince the majority of Canadians that the lesser President is the second scariest person on the planet. His American Idol George W. Bush assumes the top spot.

If Canadians want to see Canada become the 51st state, then by all means vote for the lesser President.

If you want to see the social justice clock turned back decades, then vote for the lesser President.

If you want to live in a state where women, aboriginals, the illiterate, homeless, lesbians and gays, immigrants and others are treated like second class citizens, then vote for the lesser President.

A vote for Harper is a vote to end the Canada the world has come to know as a country of compassion, freedom and peacekeepers.

Under the lesser President, Canada would become another Yankee Doodle Dandee and we would be despised around the globe.

Canadians would no longer be able to walk safely around the planet with a Maple Leaf sewn into their backpacks.

That's the Canada the lesser President wants for you.

John Beard An Environmental Failure

February 12, 2007
Statement from Former Vice President Al Gore

"I understand that last week Canada¹s Minister of the Environment, Minister John Baird, mischaracterized comments I made last summer as praise for the Harper government¹s actions on global warming.

The comments I made were designed to encourage the Harper government not to abandon Canada's tradition of fighting above its weight class on the world stage as part of the Kyoto process.

It is my experience that other nations do look to Canada for moral leadership. Canada¹s position and actions on climate change matter a great deal. Nothing less than the future habitability of the planet is at stake.

I urge the Harper government to do the right thing."

So, in other words, Beard, you environmental flunkie, Gore says you are dope, a fraud, a clown, a boob, a dipstick.

Bully Beard Threatens Legal Action

John Beard, international spokesman for hair weave products and minister responsible for hot air and nothing else, has a huge secret he is trying to hide from the Canadian public.

And the snarling gerbil lover has enlisted (yet again) the fax services of Lang and Michener to keep the secret hidden from Canadians concerned about the environment.

Beard does not want you to know that he was a key member of the Mike Harris government who sat on his hands when cabinet decided to slash program after to program to pay for promised tax cuts.

Among the cuts was the closure of provincial labs that tested drinking water.

Those cuts, as the world knows, led to the tragedy in Walkerton, Ont., where seven people died from drinking tainted water and thousands more became ill, some for life.

Beard, Big Jim Flaherty and The Tiny Twins and Two Tier Tony (Millhouse) Clement are all part of the Mike Harris environmental legacy - Walkerton.

All three are now front-bench toadies in President Harper's cabinet.

The scariest part is that Beard is now responsible for water at a federal level. Think before you turn on that tap people. Beard is in charge.

Anyhows, Beard is so fearful that the truth will come out he hired lawyers this week to threaten a Liberal pundit who shed light on his past last week on a TV show.

The lawyers want an apology and retraction.

What they will get is a big FUCK YOU, BRING IT ON ASSHOLES.

How can you retract the facts?

Liberal insiders are hoping Beard will initiate legal proceedings to keep the truth in the closet.

"That would give us a golden opportunity to repeatedly remind Canadians of Walkerton and why the likes of Beard, Flaherty and Clement sat on their hands."

The same insider also reminded us of the fact that Beard has another ugly blemish on his fudged resume from the Harris days.

He was the energy minister when the power went out in Ontario for nearly two days in 2003.

Hell of a track record John Boy. And you have the gall to pretend that you know anything about the environment. You know shit, that's for sure.

Rev. Ted Haggard Not Gay Anymore

Republican Conservatives were sipping champagne today after news rocketed out of Denver that Rev. Ted Haggard, a spiritual advisor to Republican Conservatives everywhere, including Canada, was no longer a doped up sex fiend with a thirst for male hookers.

"He is completely heterosexual," said Rev. Tim Ralph, one of four pulpit bangers who oversaw three weeks of intensive counselling for the disgraced minister.

Haggard, of course, gained celebrity status, after lying about and then apologizing for taking drugs and having sex with male prostitutes after a lifetime crusading against taking drugs and having sex with male prostitutes.

Haggard, who is married, resigned as president of the National Association of Evangelicals last year after the allegations surfaced.

He was also forced out from the New Life Church that he founded after Mike Jones alleged Haggard paid him for sex and sometimes used methamphetamine when they were boffing.

It's amazing how a few weeks at a spa can change a person. Welcome back Ted.

President Harper Spews Pollution

Only moments after President Harper issued an edict for cabinet chauffeurs to turn off their idling cars and step indoors from the cold to help save the planet, the President's own motorcade of green-house gas spewing SUVs was seen adjacent to the Centre Block today with motors running and no President in sight.

Another example of the lesser President's complete hypocricy on the global warming file. The avid climate-denier was again fooling Canadians with head-line grabbing missives when he has no plan to protect the environment.

We just hope the national media watches the lesser President jump in his motorcade at noon today for the half-block ride to the Chateau Laurier to give a speech to the Canadian Club. Previous prime ministers would have walked to the hotel.

And we are willing to bet that while the President bores his audience inside, his fleet of security vehicles will be outside with engines running until he leaves.

What a hypocrite.

Oda's Juno Joy Ride

So, let's get this straight.

While Bev Oda is slashing funding to women's programs, museums and other cultural stuff, the chain-smoking front-bench embarrassment in President Harper's cabinet is racking up limousine rental charges like she's some sort of Oscar nominee.

(Best in Show, perhaps)

Oda, the minister responsible for droning on in Question Period, rang up a $5,400 limo bill last spring while attending the Canadian Grammy's in Halifax.

Her four-day Juno joyride is the talk of Bollywood today.

Taxpayers should be outraged that the high-flying Thelma opted for stretch limos rather than taxis or a rental vehicle to ferry her around Halifax on what amounted to a holiday considering the Juno's are a one night affair.

There was much laughter in the Commons yesterday when Peter Vanlunatic, another front-bench door jam, jumped to Oda's defence, saying the Republican-Conservatives are defenders of Canada's cultural community despite the fact the lesser President and his bunch have sliced cultural funding with the vengeance of Freddy Krueger.

Readers should note that on the night of the Junos (April 2) Oda was staying at a hotel one block away from the awards ceremony. She still used a stretch limousine.

And the award for screwing taxpayers goes to Bev Oda.

Cops Bust Groping Conservative

Long-time federal Conservative Jim Jones (not the Reverand) has been busted after an employee at a swank Ontario resort said she was groped and sexually assaulted while cleaning a guest room.

Jones, a long-time advocate of morphing the right into what is now President Harper's klan of knuckle draggers, was popped by the cops last week after the staffer at the White Oaks Conference Resort in Niagara-on-the-Lake complained to her manager about being attacked.

The boss dropped a dime to Niagara Regional gumshoes, who cuffed and hauled off the accused to the cop shop. The accused was released after promising to appear in court.

Jones, a former Conservative MP, currently serves as the dupty mayor of Markham.

He got that job after he got his ass kicked in the 2000 election when Liberal John McCallum pummelled the former Canadian Alliance candidate.

Why President Harper Bulges

Why did Liberal Leader Stephane Dion name his dog Kyoto?

Because he believes in the environment.

Why did President Harper name his cat Cheddar?

Because he loves food.

It doesn't get any easier folks. Case closed.

Chubby Shot Irks President Harper

Canadians are being swamped today with requests from Republican Conservatives everywhere to send any unused portions of Slim Fast to the White House North bunker in Ottawa.

It seems President Harper, a climate denying cat lover, blew a gasket this morning over a stack of pancakes when a news clip dripping in maple syrup, whipped cream and John Beard's hair weave crossed his plate.

The article quoted several Hollywood sources that the President is beefing up to play Fat Bastard in the next Austin Powers flick.

There is also talk on another movie set that the President is considering reprising his role as Jabba the Hut in another installment of Star Wars.

And there are rumblings that City of New Orleans is considering using the President as a human dyke to prevent the kind of flooding that sunk the city when Hurricane Katrina blew through in 2005.

Those around the President say he is so big now after doing nothing in office for more than a year he gets his own Zip code. Apparently he beeps when he walks backwards. And there is a lot of beeping going on in the bunker.

Harper's tantrum over his weight has even prompted a call from Dr. Phil to see if the President wants to share his story on air.

One thing is for sure, those responsible for official residences in Ottawa should install a gym at Stornoway for the President's eventual return as Opposition leader.