Harper Teases Diabetic Kids

President Harper continues to shine as the one the dimmest bulbs in Canadian prime ministerial history. He stumbles and bumbles. He huffs and puffs.

The mini-me to George W. Bush scored another bonzo moment today when he invited 46 kids representing the Juvenile Diabetes Association to his office for a Halloween photo-op.

Then he invited photographers to his sprawling cat mansion at 24 Sussex Drive to snap photos of him handing out candy to trick and treaters.

Why is this guy in office?

Finley Flounders

Human Resources and Lack of Development Minister Diane Finley stunned a Commons committee today when she spilled the beans on a $3,000 taxpayer-funded trip she and a director of communications she later fired took to Manitoba for a photo-op to present a $100 cheque to local family.

The RayBan promoter's startling admission came on the heels of a grilling by Liberal MP Geoff Regan.

While Republican-Conservatives on the committee such as Patrick (the Ottawa Police Service wants to know more about what YOU did at the 2005 Republican-Conservative convention) Brown were asking softball questions about the weather and leg warmers, Regan was asking the weakest link in President Harper's cabinet about her cuts to all programs that help the country's most vulnerable.

The feckless Finley could not identify one single organization she took a buzz saw to.

For example, she could not name the Salvation Army, the YWCA or battered women's shelters that saw budgets evicerated. It was a shameful display.

As for the high-priced photo-op, Finley told the committee she could have sent the cheque by mail at a cost of 51 cents. "But then I wouldn`t have got my face on TV." She also could have presented a cheque to a family in Ottawa at no cost.

What a disgrace.

Holmes on Harper

HGTV home renovation star Mike Holmes was in Ottawa this week doing what he does best - exposing President Harper's Republican-Conservatives for what they truly are -a shoddy bunch of George Bush war contractors who want to renovate Canada into the 51st state and steer the country down a path of failure, deceit and unaccountability.

Holmes says he has encountered countless horror stories from clients and friends who have been taken for a ride by crooked Republican-Conservatives.

"I think it's time to expose the work of these so-called politicians and help voters make informed decision. I want to raise the bar of decorum and stop the rise of Conservatism in this country."

Holmes was on Parliament Hill to take in Question Period and to give an estimate on how much it would cost to fix the decaying House of Commons chamber.

He was later rounded up by Mounties and rushed to 24 Sussex Drive where he was physically coaxed into building a three-level cat mansion complete with electricity, running water and shower stalls for the herd of cats that occupy President Harper's cat retreat on the Ottawa River.

Norman Spector Wears Panties

The guy who fetched coffee and licked the backside of the most despised prime minister in Canadian history - step forward Brian Mulroney - shot his hairy mouth of today by calling Liberal MP Belinda Stronach a bitch.

What would be a good word to describe Norman Spector? An asshole comes to mind, so does jerk, moron, chauvinist pig and weasel.

Simply put, Spector and his Republican-Conservative ilk hate women. Spector and his hooded Republican-Conservatives go out of their way to degrade them, to humiliate them, to threaten them and to embarrass them.

Fawning Affairs Minister Peter MacKay, the son of a Mulroney-era cabinet flunkie, is a Spector prodigy when it comes to women. He referred to Stronach as a dog in the House of Commons and then stood proudly by his remarks even after they were caught on tape and heard by many.

House Speaker Peter Milliken, not a ladies man, does what he does best when a Republican-Conservative MP degrades women. He pulls his best Sgt. Schultz impersonation: I hear nothing, I see nothing.

Wake up Milliken or we will report what really goes on at The Farm.

The spermless Spector should pay a heavy price for shooting off his mouth. The national newspaper he submits crayon drawings to should dump him immediately. And the university he allegedly teaches at should put him in detention.

Spector is a disgrace, just like Mulroney.

Air Force Brodie

President Harper's most trusted abuser of the public purse caused a shitstorm at the White House North bunker today when he announced the Lucky 11 who get to join him on a taxpayer-funded junket to Haiti in February to escape the Winter blues.

Ian Brodie, the chief of a staff who rarely show up for work and the man responsible for making sure all washrooms at the bunker are flush with toilet paper and bacterial hand gel, was booed and shouted down after picking a select group who will join him on the $11,000 an hour, 12-person Challenger jet for a week of frolicking and thong testing on the pristine beaches of Port-au-Prince.

Brodie, according to media reports, runs his own frequent flyer program out of the Department of National Defence. According to reports, he uses goverment Challenger jets as his own Republican-Conservative air taxi service.

Most people when they need a ride hail a cab, said a DND official. When Brodie needs a lift he hails a jet, the official said.

Brodie and others in the President's entourage have racked up serious tabs on the same fleet of luxury jets the President frequently uses to attend out-of-town hockey games and cat-grooming classes.

Pain in the Grits will report later on the identity of the lucky winners and why they were chosen over the likes of the five-o'clock shadow MP Jason Kenney, whose recent training regime to join This Man's Army (see blog item below) does not make the Fred Flintstone clone a suitable candidate to waddle along a beach in a thong. Maybe a bedsheet.

Can You Spot the Differences? Not Likely

President Harper Turns Tricks

There were a few tense moments between President Harper and the First Lady this weekend while the two were carving pumpkins to spruce up the cat house at 24 Sussex in preparation for Halloween.

The lesser President was at odds at what costume or mask he should wear to greet the hordes of little goblins ans ghouls expected at the drafty Presidential retreat overlooking the Ottawa River.

The Republican-Conservative President said he wanted to wear something that would really scare the kids and make them forget who was President. The First Lady wanted him to greet the little ones as himself.

Scary, sure, but not enough to really frighten trick and treaters.

After much thought and a few phone calls, the President poked himself in forehead, grunted duh, and said Holy Illiterate Adults Batman I think I've got the perfect mask to send the wee ones scurrying.

A puzzled First Lady looked at her Prize, turned off her Moped and waited for his response. John Baird, he finally blurted, referring to Treasury Board Bully John Beard. The President said Beard is so frightening he puts the scare in scary.

NOTE TO CHILDREN thinking of heading to the cat house for candy: Make sure the President puts more into your bag then he takes out.

Lukiwski A Lazy Lout, survey

You are about to enter a new dimension, or it could just be dementia on the part of an overly pissed staffer of Republican-Conservative MP Tom Lukiwski, a no-name backbencher who still uses a map to find the men's room in Centre Block.

The staffer, Chris Montgomery, sent an e-mail this week encouraging MPs to vote for Lukiswski as the laziest MP on Parliament Hill. The survey is being conducted on behalf of Maclean's, L'actualité and the Dominion Institute.

The staffer noted that Lukiwski reached the pinnacle of laziness when he read Archie comic books out loud for two hours at the Commons environment committee during a filibuster to thwart Kyoto.

Montgomery, a reform school runaway who was learning to read until President Harper killed adult literacy programs, perhaps crossed the line in his electronic mailing when he waxed about how his boss has so much time on his hands he is known as the ''go-to'' guy on the Hill if you ever need a coffee or paper clips.

To quote from Montgomery: "While, in my biased opinion, I feel he should easily lose all of the survey's seven categories, I think you can all agree with me that Tom Lukiwski is the laziest MP on the Hill please take the time to so-indicate on the survey."

Methinks Montgomery's days on The Hill are over.

Could This Be Love - Bob Marley

Treasury Board Bully John Beard's open courtship of New Democrap MP Patsy Martin is all the rage on open-line shows today.

Beard just couldn't help himself while critiquing Republican-Conservative stalling tactics to delay passage of President Harper's unaccountability legislation.

Those in the room where the truth-challenged Beard was commenting on the 50 amendments his Republican-Conservatives have introduced in the Senate, say Beard fondly mentioned Patsy dozens of times.

He praised his "special" friend for the late nights and long hours the couple have spent together over wine and cheese balls, hashing out amendments to fix what most pundits say is the most flawed piece of legislation since the President's plan to outlaw farting and burping as part of an environmental package last week.

Beard and Patsy have a long history together. The relationship blossomed just before the 2006 election when Patsy's new democraps got under the wool sheets with Beard's Republican-Conservatives and after much pillow talk walked down the aisle and forced an election.

It is well known in the nation's capital that Beard and Patsy spend a lot of time together working on tactics at Question Period and propping each other up when one is down. Patsy's boss, I forget his name, is said to be concerned about the relationship now that Garth Turner has been kicked out of the Republican-Conservative caucus for being open and honest.

Word has it that Patsy would be a perfect fit for the Republican-Conservative seat vacated by Turner.

Kenney Joins This Man's Army

The five-o'clock shadow has begun training for a new career in the Canadian Forces, according to sources who recently spotted the Fred Flintstone double vigorously getting in shape at a local gym-eatery.

Yes, that's right folks, Jason Kenney, President Harper's irritating parliamentary secretary, is taking advantage of relaxed fitness rules to join the Army's elite paratroop division.

According to weight watchers, the buffless Kenney is making great strides to meet or beat the new fitness rules reported in a national newspaper today. Scott Taylor, a military veteran and editor of Esprit de Corps magazine, sums up the new requirements best. "If you are 450 pounds, they will recruit you and then put you in a fat camp until you are ready," he said in an interview.

According to the new rules Kenney would be a model grunt in the New Army. He's a perfect fit: short, round, permanently single, and has a personality that would drive the Taliban deeper into Pakistan. But we digress.

Kenney's strict exercice regime, according to sources who witnessed a Monty Python-like exercise binge at Darcy McGee's the other night, left many at the gym-bar awestruck at his steely determination to join This Man's Army. Kenney wolfed down a large pizza (equivalent of 50 sit-ups) then topped the sweaty workout off with a cheeseburger and fries (equivalent of 15 chin-ups). A mighty feat indeed.

Kenney's committment caught many off guard with one witness musing: "Food is not love Jason."

It's not known when Private Benjamin Kenney will head off to Petawawa to learn how to freefall from a plane. But those in the know about such things say that even if Kenney's chute fails to open during an excursion over southern Afghanistan, there is a good chance he would cause considerable damage to Taliban insurgents when he hit the ground.

We salute you Jason Kenney. You are almost in the army now.

Flaherty Shut Out

Big Jim Flaherty has sunk a notch in President Harper's books after the Mike Harris retread failed on a top secret skate to woo former NHL puck stopper Glenn Healy to seek the Republican-Conservative nomination in Ajax Pickering, an Ontario riding held by Liberal MP and rising star Mark Holland.

Healy, a journeyman NHLer backstop who let in pucks for the Kings, Islanders, Rangers and Leafs, was approached by Big Jim to swear allegiance to the President and take a run at Holland. Sources say Healy, a colorless commentator on TSN, reached down and patted Big Jim on the head and said: "Are you nuts. I don't want to take a pay cut." Stay tuned.

Finley Fires Mime

Rumours are swirling wildly around Ottawa today that Human Resources and Lack of Development Minister Diane Finley is about to be blindsided by an irate President Harper.

Sources say her lacklustre performance in the Commons and her inability to sell the Republican-Conservative national babysitting plan has prompted the cat lover to consider shuffling Finley to a less bright portfolio.

Finley was so outraged at the thought of being demoted she fired her personal mime Lisa Murray, a graduate of the Sandra Buckler school of mime communications. Murray is the second director of hand gestures to be given the boot under Finley. She won't be the last.

Flaherty's Fiscal Fiasco

Big Jim Flaherty really should turn the motor off while his car is parked in the garage. The former Mike Harris bean counter is showing dangerous signs of memory loss.

President Harper's cabinet banker was in Niagara-on-the-Lake the other day on a wine tasting tour (on the taxpayer dime) when he blurted out some rather crazy musings about the previous Liberal government's economic record. After imbibing a wee bit more merlot than a circus performer can handle, the extreme right wing zealot slurred derogatory Reform-Alliance-Conservative propaganda at a gathering of Conservative troglodytes.

What Big Jim failed to share with his audience of knuckle draggers was that while the previous Liberal government was cleaning up the $43 billion deficit mess left by the poster boy for political corruption and patronage - take a bow Brian Mulroney - Flaherty was racking up billions of dollars in debt in Ontario.

Big Jim closed schools and hospitals to feed his deficit addiction. He mused about creating super prisons and filling them with homeless, single mothers, same sex couples, illiterate adults, aboriginals and just about any other vulnerable group that didn't buy into his extremist agenda.

Ontarians were smart enough to send Big Jim packing. Let's hope Canadians are even smarter.

President Harper's Paranoia

President Harper is showing signs of a man losing control.

Dogged by controversies ranging from Reform-Alliance and Conservative MPs shagging 18-year-old pages, to Fawning Affairs Minister Peter MacKay's dog bark heard around the world to an environmental plan that won't kick in until the next Ice Age, the cat lover appears to be losing his marbles.

The control freak's latest edict from White House North is to strip visitors to cabinet minister offices of all cell phones and blackberries. Today, Traitor Minister Dave Emerson was the first cabinet flunkie to pat down a visiting delegation for electronic devices.

Representatives from the Canadian Labour Congress were given the rubber-glove welcome prior to a meeting with the West Coast marmot who sold the Canadian forestry industry to President Harper's banjo-playing cousin in Washington.

The Fools Around President Harper

It's no wonder President Harper is chasing Canadians away in droves. He is surrounded by a team of mimes entrusted with getting his Republican message out.

Problem is, Harper's communication puppets are about as experienced at getting the message out as the President is at showing emotion. Head mime Sandra Buckler and some repressive press toady named Dimitri Soudas are the backbone of Harper's spinless, er, spineless, communications team.

The latest embarrassment by the gaffe-prone Soudas involves respected still photographer Dave Chan. Chan was hired by Rick Mercer to snap a few shots of an upcoming TV sketch being shot at 24 Sussex Drive. The ink wasn't even dry on the deal when Soudas issued an alert to the Mountie detail at the famed cat mansion not to allow Chan on the property.

Seems Diet Soudas is not a fan of Chan, nor most members of the National Press Gallery. The feeling is mutual. Soudas is a laughing stock on Parliament Hill. He lost respect long ago with journalists.

And when they are laughing at your staff Mr. President, they are laughing at you.

Rahim Jaffer Turns Page

Startling news out of the Rahim Jaffer-Helena Guergis love nest today. Feathers were flying at their Byward Market MP shag palace after an Ottawa newspaper reported that the renowned skirt chaser - yes it was him and not an impostor - topped off his legover resume by chasing and landing a House of Commons page four years ago.

The then 18-year-old page says the steamy romance with the "party-all-the-time'' former Alberta coffee baron blossomed at the end of her one-year stint fetching beverages for MPs on the Commons floor. She never said when the seed was planted.

Jaffer's indiscretion and reports of other Reform-Canadian Alliance and Conservative MP dalliances with underage pages is raising eyebrows. An outraged Guergis, according to sources, clutched the crucifix dangling from her neck and instructed Jaffer that he was never to wear her panthose again. (Has anyone ever asked why the self admitted part Syrian, part Jewish Guergis wears a crucifix).

Sources say the last thing President Harper needs is a sex scandal on the heels of Fawning Affairs Minister Peter MacKay's blunder by referring to former girlfriend Belinda Stronach as a dog last week and then lying about his disgraceful and shameful behaviour to Canadians.

Insiders say pages, who are instructed to report sexual harassment to supervisors, have been discreetly warned to stay as far away as possible from Conservative MPs Rob Anders and Pierre Poilievre.

MacKay Troops Up

We can only feel sorry for Fawning Affairs Minister Peter MacKay. While his dog outburst in the Commons was heard around the world (CNN Live with Larry King, Oprah Winfrey and Dr. Phil), scant attention was paid to yet another gaffe by the mouth that keeps on giving.

A separatist MP asked in French about the fate of funding for dance troupes. MacKay, a devout listener and ardent anglophone, jumped to his feet, squared his shoulders and reassuringly told the House that Canada was committed to deploying troops and saving Afghanistan from the Taliban. Howls of laughter followed.

MacKay recoiled in his front-bench recliner and wondered why all the fuss. When it was finally pointed out to him that the question was about dance troupes, theatre and music, not soldiers, MacKay wiped the egg off his face, turned to Treasury Board Bully John Baird and said: "I want you to be my poodle. Get over here, I need to pet you."

MacKay Unleashed

President Harper has called in the Human Society after Fawning Affairs Minister Peter MacKay slipped off his leash - AGAIN - and bit his former girlfriend Belinda Stronach on the ankle during a nasty exchange in the Commons dog pound.

Reports out of the nation's capital say the jilted MacKay barked loudly enough off microphone to prompt hearing-impaired MPs to jump to their feet to demand an apology. The source of their shock and awe was MacKay's rabid outburst towards the auto parts trillionaire. He called her a dog, though he did not mention a particular breed.

MacKay and Stronach used to share pillow talk until she kneed him in the twins by joining the Liberal Party. A heart-broken MacKay put on his rubbers and rushed back to his mommy's farm in Nova Scotia to mourn the break-up in private.

While standing in a sodden patch, he rented a neighbour's pooch, summoned the local TV station, waved a pitchfork and gave his best Harlequin impression of a lost boy whose best friend just shagged his chick in the other room while he was cracking open some chilled Moosehead in the kitchen.

The Kodak moment was broadcast nationally, winning the skirt chaser sympathy from a horde of groupies, including a certain U.S. Secretary of State who beelined to Atlantic Canada to hold his hands and rub his tummy.

MacKay has become a constant source of embarrassment to the President, a cat lover. Things are so bad at the Fawning Affairs Department a dentist has been hired full-time to extract MacKay's foot from his over used mouth.

MacKay's latest slip of the tongue is not going over well in the White House North bunker. President Harper is so outraged, say sources, that he has instructed his most trusted republican advisers to cobble together legislation that would make it legal for gun-toting republican-conservatives to shoot any canine off leash.

Who let the dogs out. Indeed.

Rona's Bad Gas Day

It is with great sadness we announce the political suicide of Environment Minister Rona Ambrose today.

Her stinging eulogy in the foyer of the Centre Block on how the Conservatives plan to clean up the environment by regulating toasters, blenders, DVDs, farting and burping was met with disbelief from journalists, environmentalists and Opposition critics.

The Republican-Conservative plan to increase green-house gas emissions is so weak even President Harper had to sneak out of Ottawa because of the stench. He was a no-show at the daily Question Period and left Ambrose to flounder on her own with periodic help from the five o'clock shadow MP from Bedrock, Jason Kenney.

The media pounced all over Ambrose with CTV's Bob Fife intoning before a live audience of millions that: "Rona Ambrose has made a very serious political mistake. Overpromising and underdelivering. She was not impressive."

The newspaper reviews tommorrow won't be kind.

It's only going to get worse. Insiders described today's rollout of the non environmental plan as a sham and joke. Bureaucrats scrambled at a media briefing to distance themselves from a plan that was forced down their throats by a Republican-Conservative government that refuses to acknowledge that global warming is real.

Things continued to go downhill when someone - likely Ambrose herself - pulled the fire alarm in the Centre Block forcing an evacuation and delaying Rona's news conference inside. But heck, while everyone was outside crtics such as Liberals John Godfrey and Pablo Rodriguez spilled the beans on the non plan and beat Ambrose to the punch.

It was theatre at its best. Read the reviews tomorrow.

Turner Taunts Harper

President Harper flipped out today at caucus, delivering a threatening diatribe to cowering MPs and cabinet ministers about loose lips. He then proceeded to boot maverick MP Garth Turner out of caucus to sit as an Independent.

The President was steaming mad, according to highly placed sources, and threatened to roll more heads if MPs try and remove their muzzles. Freedom of speech is an ugly phrase in the Republican-Conservative caucus, said the source. Harper was not happy with attacks against him and other MPs by the outspoken MP from Halton, Ont., whose blog is a daily source of gruel for political watchers.

The President`s day got off to a bad start, according to one of his pet cats who roams freely at 24 Sussex Drive. Harper clutched his chest after seeing the front page of a national newspaper that showed his republican party is on the skids with Canadians.

The skipper of the Repulican-Conservative Minnow was none too happy and he kicked a chair, said the cat. He later went to caucus and kicked Turner . . . out of caucus.

Poilievre in Diapers

President Harper is not a happy camper today after one of his Ottawa area MPs broke free from nursery school and physically threatened a Liberal MP in the House of Commons.

Nepean-Carleton Conservative MP Pierre Poilievre is considered the most immature MP in Parliament - a recognition the tantrum throwing lightweight wears proudly. Poilievre was forced to apologize in the Commons for threatening to knee cap Mississauga South Grit MP Paul Szabo if he continued raising Conservative muck in the House. He ate his words a few days later, much to the embarrassment of Conservatives who privately say Poilievre is a cry baby whose antics are a liability to the party.

Poilievre raised the ire of caucus mates earlier this year when he told opposition MPs to F... off at a Commons committee meeting and then used a rude hand gesture in the House to further insult democracy. Voters in Nepean Carleton are wishing now they had elected an adult.

Baird's Other Life

So Treasury Board Bully John Baird has a secret computer system that can keep his ministerial records out of public reach. What is Baird trying to hide?

Is the RCMP aware of what potentially embarrassing information is on the secret system? Why isn`t the national press gallery asking Baird the tough questions about his secret life? Enquiring minds want to know.

Buckler's Banishment

President Harper's mute communication's director is on the outs in the White House North bunker according to sources who say Sandra Buckler's best days are behind her. Not that there were too many of those days, if any.

With the President sinking in the polls, those around the cat lover say it's time for a shakeup. Buckler was recently humiliated when she arrived at the Ottawa airport to join the President and his Republican entourage for a junket to La Francophonie in Bucharest. As she waddled onto the Challenger, the President told her her services were not needed on this trip. She beat a hasty retreat to the tarmac, hid her humiliation and dashed to the nearest phone to call a taxi.

Hell hath no fury like a women scorned. Buckler was so outraged at being left behind, she summoned all of cabinet's muzzled directors of communications to the Bunker where she instructed each and every one of them to go back to their minister's offices and erase all contact information for journalists from their minister's blackberries.

To quote our source, Buckler said: "I do not want cabinet ministers talking to journalists directly."

Buckler's blowout is causing a firestorm of controversy around town. Some ministers who are fed up with being treated like illiterate school children think it's time the President's hand-picked mime did everyone a favour and quit and let someone with at least a kindergarten knowledge of communications take over.

Baird's Foolish Follies

Treasury Board Bully John Baird has finally come out of the CLOSET about his true feelings for City of Ottawa taxpayers.

The bumbling Baird's interference in the municipal election is the roar of the town today. Radio talk shows shows are questionning whether he should be in diapers for his childish behavior. Newspaper editorialists and columnists are lampooning the snarling, partisan agitator for trying to thwart Mayor Bob Chiarelli's re-election in favour of a devout admirer of President Harper.

Petulant John's foray into the municipal election has become a huge headache and embarrassment for the President and his muzzled crew of front benchers, who are still trying to figure out whether Barney is causing global warming.

Baird is sitting on $200 million in previously promised federal cash to extend a light rail project in Ottawa to ease the city's growing traffic congestion problems. City council widely supporter the project and voted overwhelmingly in favour of expanding the rail line.

Then Petulant John sticks his hairless chest into the fray. Screw democracy he says. I'm John Baird, the dude with the funny haircut who slashed literacy programs only to hit the streets with President Harper's First Lady three days later to raise money for - wait for it - literacy programs.

Whhaaaat?

Bonzo Baird has a long history of sticking it to taxpayers. He learned his trade during his time currying favour during the Mike Harris common cents reign in Ontario, an era most Ontarians would rather forget.

Baird left a trail of doo doo along the way. Some of his more memorable moments include leaving more than 10 million Ontarians without electricity for nearly two days in 2003 when he was in charge of the province's power supply. He is still known in many parts of the province as Blackout Baird.

He was also the dim watted lightbulb who oversaw the $500 million Accenture computer boondoggle when he was Social Services Minister. And there is more.

How about the $2 million he wasted on partisan advertising too tell taxpayers how great he was? Baird also approved a 48-cent timbit donut expense for a staffer when he was in the Duffer's cabinet. Let's not forget about all those late night bar and restaurant tabs at swank Toronto eateries while he was responsible for Ontario's poor.

And not to be outdone, Baird also spent $5,000 on image consultants to learn how to dolly himself in front of TV cameras. Not sure what went wrong there, but he may want to consider a refresher course.

Baird's follies are becoming legend around town and the country. Expect more outrageous antics from this cabinet cuckoo and look for lawyers to begin drafting lawsuits against him and his minority conservative government for breaching cabinet ethics rules and violating federal privacy laws.

Way to go John John.