President Harper A Cheesehead

President Harper was the subject of some nasty talk today at TSN.

The cat lover showed why more and more Canadians despise his neo conservative bent and his utter disdain for people unless they buy into his extreme right-wing beliefs.

The second worst President in Canadian history - Mulroney comes first - proved yet again why cats come first, cheese second and people third, if at all.

The President was scheduled to tape the opening two lines of "T'was the night before Christmas" for a TSN holiday promotion the other day.

The five-second taping took forever because the President kept TSN reporter Brent Wallace waiting for four hours before he showed up.

Why the delay?

According to sources, the President was stuffing himself with cheese whiz and picking up stray pussies off the street.

He liked one orange tabby so much be brought it to the cat mansion on the Ottawa River and named it Cheddar.

What a cheesehead. (And no offence to Green Bay Packer fans).

Doris Day A Racist? Or Just A Moron?

Public Safety Pin Minister Doris Day has escaped from the cuckoo nest again.

The jet-ski enthusiast stuck his foot up his arse yesterday in a weekly column he pens under some kind of influence for a Penticton, B.C., newspaper.

Why the paper allows his drivel to appear is beyond The Pain, but then again the Globe and Mail also uses fiction writers to tell about the day's events.

But we digress.

Doris, of course, showed signs of acid flashbacks from his days as an altar boy in a column he wrote several weeks ago about global warming.

The bobblehead said how wonderful it would be if water levels rose high enough to reach the cave he lives in on a mountainside in B.C. He would have a lakeside view.

He was harshly criticized for being an idiot and moron, key traits of Republican Conservatives.

He followed up the global warming column with an attack yesterday on those who would criticize his Barney-the-Dinosaur views on life.

Here's a sample of what he wrote:

"Aaaaanyway, it appears that local libs now send bits and pieces of my local columns to their favourite spear-chuckers down east who are quick to unleash a volley of indignation, which makes for good fodder back here at hom."

Spear chuckers. And this is one of President Harper's top guns. Hope he gets a hood for Christmas.

The dictionary defines spear chucker as a derogatory phrase for a black male used in reference to his primitive abilities to hunt animals with a long sharpened object.

Is this the type of writing Canadians want from a cabinet minister?

To a black person, this is offensive.

This shows one of two things.

That Doris is completely insensitive to black people or he has little command of the English language. At the very least, he should resign and move into his cave permanently.

Take the hood with you.

Gordon O'Connor Off His Medication

So Defence Minister Gordon O'Connor wants to rename the elite JTF2 commando unit to something linked to Nazi Germany.

What in hell is going through the feeble mind of the defence lobbyist.

We certainly can't blame his major lapse in judgment on a shrapnel wound to the noggin. But something is wonky up there.

O'Connor is considering changing the name of the Canadian Forces' top counter-terrorism unit to the First Special Service Regiment.

Critics fear it would take about a minute before people started calling the unit the First SS Regiment.

Historians will tell you the SS was a murderous military unit of Hitler's Nazi Germany.

Skinheads everywhere salute you Gordon O'Connor.

Thanks for keeping the Nazi brand alive and living in the Republican-Conservative party.

Cat Piss Cost Thousands

President Harper's tenure at Stornoway (Opposition leader's residence in Rockliffe Park) has apparently cost Canadian taxpayers about $66,000 is unforseen costs, according to access to information documents.

The National Capital Commission, the landlord responsible for official residences, including the lesser President's cat mansion on the Ottawa River, says it sent a crew into Stornoway to clean up a huge mess after the President moved out.

Rugs were ripped from floors and floor boards replaced among other tidy improvements to the drafty shack Preston Manning once mused should be turned into a bingo hall.

The NCC described the work as overdue and noted the carpets were nearing 20 years old. But as any home renovator will tell you, carpets protect floors.

So what happened? Cat piss is what happened.

The President spends more time with his cats than he does with his cabinet.

He lets them roam freely and piss anywhere they want. The piss trickles through the carpets and sinks into the floors beneath, causing mold, mildew, rot and a stench.

The NCC is already assembling a new crew to tackle the mess the President is expected to leave when he is evicted from 24 Sussex Drive next year.

Bully Beard Hiding In Elf Stockings

Treasury Board Bully John Beard has gone underground to avoid the glare of media and lawyers who want to tag the international spokesman for hair weave products with a multi-million dollar lawsuit.

Beard, according to sources, is nixing all Christmas plans this year to save his pennies for an impending lawsuit that will likely hit him in the gonads in the New Year for royally screwing up Ottawa's plans to extend a light rail project.

Beard's folly by intervening in the November mayoral race (which elected the city's biggest campaign liar) is the talk of the town.

The supporter of same-sex marriage witheld $200 million in previously approved federal funding to the project during the campaign - a partisan decision to thwart former mayor Bob Chiarelli's chances at re-election.

Beard's blunder effectively killed the project, say critics, and left the Republican Conservative and Canadian taxpayers vulnerable to a huge lawsuit by one of the project's key players.

Stay tuned. And if you see Beard, call police. Check your closets.

President Harper Sulks

President Harper, a cat lover, is beating his hairless chest this week as media outlets get ready for the windbag's end-of-year interviews.

Get out the barf bags folks.

The lesser president, of course, despises the national media because he is a plunk head with the charm of a nat.

While the mimes around the lesser President prep the dicktator for his sit down gabfests, one network has been given the cold shoulder.

CPAC, the national public affairs channel, is being snubbed by the President.

It appears the George Bush wannabe is still pissed at CPAC for its convention coverage a couple of years ago of the President hoofing a chair in a fit of rage.

Harper threw a temper tantrum at the convention when a staffer brought him a Big Mac instead of a Quarterpounder.

He threw one of his common hissy fits (a trait he passed down to head communist mime Sandra Buckler) and kicked a chair in view of media.

The President, according to sources, still holds a grudge at CPAC for reporting on his childish behaviour.

What a baby.

Soothers and diapers can be sent to 24 Sussex Drive.

Harper's Dummies Get Dummer

The national press corps was laughing at the White House North bunker today for screwing up a simple Christmas invitation to President Harper's cat mansion on the Ottawa River.

The President hand picked members of the press gallery to attend a rum-free, eggnog swilling contest on Monday, December 19th. Problem is the flunkies around the Bad President never bothered to look at a calendar.

There is no Monday, December 19th. Oops. How about Tuesday, December 19th.

It is no secret in Ottawa that the President despises the national media even though a majority of them fawned over the cat lover in the last election and helped the Republican Conservative win a minority government.

Things soured soon after the election when the communist mimes around the President decided that only certain (friendly) journalists could ask questions during the rare times the President made his widening self available to the media.

Then pictures of the President wearing silk gowns started to appear in newspapers across the world. And other pictures of the President wearing a leather vest and a rinky dinky cowboy hat appeared.

We digress. Back to the Xmas snoozefest.

Not only did the President screw up the date of the event, he personally intervened to make sure certain members of the National Press Gallery were excluded from the invite list.

Toronto Star bureau chief Susan Delacourt, Sun Media columnist Greg Weston, Sun Media scribe Allan Findlay were among those who were not invited.

Don't fret you guys. The mansion reeks of cat piss anyways.

Doris Day: Where Is Mexico Again?

Just how stupid is Public Safety Pin Minister Doris Day. Dumber than a leaking bag of burritos, say experts on international affairs.

The B.C. cave dweller showed his utter ignorance of Mexican affairs in a column he wrote last week for a Penticton newspaper.

The Republican-Conservative jet-ski enthusiast who has trouble with Canadian geography embarrassed Canada yet again with his ill-timed musings on Mexican affairs. And the creationist is in charge of Canada's relations with Mexico on security and border issues.

Doris' assessment in his column of the civil strife in some parts of Mexico is completely opposite of what is actually happening.

We won't bore you with all the humiliating details (they can be found in the Penticton Western News, Dec. 6 edition) but political scientists described Doris' understanding of Mexico as deplorable.

"The fact that he doesn't seem to understand very well the political situation in Mexico is not reassuring of his ability to interact with his Mexican colleagues," Claude Denis a poly sci prof at the University of Ottawa told The Canadian Press.

It has become increasingly clear that the widening President Harper, a cat lover, likes to surround himself with dropouts and abject failures.

MacKay, Ambrose, Finley, Beard are just some of the names that come to mind.

Bully Beard Plays With Santa

Treasury Board Bully John Beard tried desperately to play Santa the other night at a special cocktail bash to celebrate the loss by the Republican-Conservatives to re-open the same sex marriage debate.

The international spokesman for hair weave products morphed into a playful elf after a few (too many) cocktails, say those who witnessed his shameless display trying to woo pants-only playmates to sit on his lap and tell Santa what they wanted for Christmas.

His official bag carrier, Diaper Boy Republican Conservative MP Pierre Poilievre, couldn't pass up the chance to clench his cheeks on his master's lap.

In fact, say those in attendance, the potty-mouth Poilievre nearly knocked over a waiter and several guests as he dashed across the room to jump into Beard's lap.

"Tell Santa what you want for Christmas," Beard asked his squirming flunky.

"I want to be more like you," Diaper Boy said.

"What else would you like?"

"I'd like an Easy Bake oven, a GI Joe, a Barbie, and a Hot Wheels set."

"Okaaaaaaaaaay," said Beard. "Get the fuck off my lap you pipsqueak."

Doris Day Pets Dinosaur

Public Safety Pin Minister Doris Day was handing out purple Barney dolls yesterday to drive home his view that global warming is a fiction of the world's imagination.

The great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great grandson of Fred Flintstone returned to his revisionist roots in an absurd column he wrote in a Penticton newspaper last week.

Doris mused that as a cave dweller living in the B.C. mountains he couldn't wait for the day water levels rose so high that his cave would have a lakeside view. Forget the fact that Vancouver Island would be submerged and Vancouver a wet dream.

"Maybe all my constituents living high up on the West Bench or Lakeview Heights, or the hills of Logan Lake will soon be sitting on lakeside property as one of the many benefits of global warming," the batty Republican Conservative wrote.

Doris, of course, is no stranger to absurd beliefs.

When the jet-ski enthusiast was leader of the rights-stomping Canadian Alliance, he proved to an entire country that he was unfit to lead when during the 2000 federal election he said there was "scientific support for both creationism and evolution."

Oh really. Step forward Barney Rubble. Of course, he was vilified for his insanity and later went on the lose the election.

His views also spelled the end of the Canadian Alliance and sparked the creation of today's Republican Conservatives led by a widening President Harper, a cat lover.

This Bud is for you Doris. We need more of you in Parliament.

Paid News on Dork Snooze

Ever wonder why Dork Snooze routinely selects the most negative stories on the Liberals and makes up its own fiction to portray the Grits and its new leader in a negative light.

Well, guess what, space on Dork Snooze can be bought.

For a $1,000 fee, Dork Snooze will publish anything you want and, for a similar amount, it will keep stories off the Dork website.

The Republican-Conservatives are heavy financial contributors to Dork Snooze to ensure that rarely a negative Republican-Conservative story appears. The Liberals have rightly refused to be strong armed.

The website, of course, is operated by a go-cart enthusiast who oddly believes he will join Jimmie Johnson atop the NASCAR podium one day.

The day that happens with be the same day President Harper dumps the wife, leaves the cats, and enters into a gay union with Treasury Board Bully and international hair weave spokesman John Beard. Ricky Bobby you are not Dork.

But Dork will soldier on, spending Papa Dork's money like it's his own to further a racing nightmare that will end in a spectacular slow-moving violation on the Don Valley Parkway.

He will continue to solicit paid-for yellow journalism to keep his go cart gassed and the Republican-Conservatives in his headlights, er, headlines.

Doris Day Flops At Committee

Public Safety Pin Minister Doris Day asked for his mommy today and a stuffed teddy bear after a gruelling appearance before a Commons committee.

Instead, he was given a glass of warm milk and a soother, and a committee aide changed his wet diaper before the proceedings could continue.

The jet-ski enthusiast with no knowledge of geography (which way does the Niagara River flow?) bitterly complained he didn't like the tough Liberal line of questionning by MP Mark Holland about when he first learned that the head of the Musical Ride was going to change his testimony on Maher Arar.

Day, of course, knew at least one month ago that Zack was going to reverse himself - a flip flop of nuclear proportions that cost Zack his mount.

Day also tore a strip off a national institution - The Canadian Press news service - for its accurate reporting today of his failure to persuade President Harper to sack Zack months ago.

Day denied he pleaded with the lesser President to cut the commish loose.

But CP says Day was joined by Fawning Affairs Minister Pete MacKay and Keystone Cop Minister Victoria Toews in a full-court press of the cat lover to have Zack surrender his badge and sword months ago.

There is much speculation around Ottawa about the lesser President's vigorous defence of the commish. Even Republican-Conservative insiders are wide-eyed.

"Everybody's been (joking) that Zaccardelli must have
(incriminating) pictures" said one Tory insider.

Indeed.

Zack Quits

Disgraced Mountie horseman Giuliano Zaccardelli has quit the Musical Ride.

The RCMP commish submitted his own pink slip to President Harper just before Question Period.

His expected resignation has only raised new questions about when the lesser President and Public Safety Pin Minister Stockwell Day knew of Zack's flip flop on the Maher Arar file.

As the world now knows, Zack said one thing at a Commons committee in September and then changed his story this week in a speech.

The President and Day have maintained they only found out about the altered testimiony when it was reported in the news.

Not so. Crap. Horse cockey.

Documents released to journalists today by Liberal MP Mark Holland show that the President's Republican-Conservative government knew a month ago that Zack was going to change his testimony.

Methinks there is a cover-up. Stay tuned.

Zack To Get Whacked

Ottawa is abuzz today about the timing of when the head of the Keystone Cops will surrender his badge and horse.

Pundits were counting down the minutes to when Zack's head would roll out of the concrete Mountie bunker on the Vanier Parkway and onto the nearby Queensway thoroughfare.

The RCMP commish was allegedly approached today by President Harper who asked the fiction writer to do the honourable thing and resign to counter growing criticism over his bungling of the Maher Arar file.

The saddle waxer for the Musical Ride apparently responded in kind and challenged the lesser President to fire him and get him a new pair of riding boots and a crop.

It appears Zack is gambling on a huge payday if he were to successfully sue the Republican-Conservative government if they sacked him.

The stain on the red serge is growing.

Is Ezra Levant A Canadian Citizen, Or Just A Jerk?

Ezra Levant is like a zit you can't pop.

The failed journalist and Republican-Conservative doormat is behind the lame charge to embarrass Liberal Leader Stephane Dion into renouncing his French citizenship. Dion, of course, was born in Canada, but his mother was born in France.

The always single Levant is questionning Dion's loyalty to Canada. This is rich considering Levant is a proponent of Western separation.

He has the gall to question Dion's loyalty when he loudly endorsed President Harper's musings in another life to build a firewall around Alberta.

Levant's shameful attempt to garner attention to his Auto Trader-like publication, The Western Stooge (named aptly after Levant himself), is misguided considering he need not look further than the knuckle draggers who make up the lesser President's caucus of muzzled seals to find out who the real Patriots are.

Take the lesser President. He obviously holds dual citizenship because it is crystal clear he comes from another planet.

Below is a partial list of Republican-Conservatives and Dipsy Doodle Dippers who were born outside Canada.

Conservatives

Tony Clement (Manchester, England)
Rahim Jaffer (Kampala, Uganda)
Vic Toews (Filadelfia, Paraguay)
Diane Ablonczy (Peoria, Illinois)
Steven Fletcher (Rio de Janero, Brazil)
Nina Grewal (Japan)
Deepak Obhrai (Oldeani, Tanzania)
Myron Thompson (Monte Vista, Colorado)
John Williams (Aberdeenshire, Scotland)

NDP

Olivia Chow (Hong Kong)
Libby Davies (Aldershot, England)
Peter Stoffer (Heerlen, Limburg, Netherlands)
Tony Martin (Drogheda, County Lough, Ireland)
Chris Charlton (Dortmund, Germany)

Bully Beard's $1 billion Boondoggle

Treasury Board Bully John Beard's political interference in the light rail line in Ottawa could cost taxpayers upwards of $1 billion, say those close to the file.

Thanks to Beard, the city could face a class-action lawsuit from Siemens and other consortium partners if the city doesn't honour a signed contract to build a 30 kilometre rapid transit line.

The international Republican-Conservative spokesman for hair weave products tossed a wrench into things during the recent municipal election when he withheld more than $200 million in previously approved federal funding for the rail line.

Beard's partisan blunder is the talk of the town as the city grapples with a last-ditch attempt to resolve the impending financial crisis.

Voters will have a chance to thank Beard when President Harper invites Canadians to kick him and his caucus of knuckle draggers out of office in the spring.

Head Mime Totally Bonkers

President Harper's head mime has locked itself in a third-floor cloak room at the White House North bunker to hide from increasing calls for her head and to repel the amourous advances of Republican-Conservative MP James Moore, the love interest she dumped after he didn't make it into cabinet.

Sandra Buckler, the President's MIA director of communist communications, has had another one of her famous hissy shit fits on the heels of her Maxwell Smart plan to spy on the the President's cone-of-silence cabinet.

After a ministerial mime spilled the beans on Buckler's ludicrous plan, she went off the deep end and had all the locks changed at the PMO to prevent ministerial mimes from entering the building for weekly director of communication meetings.

Buckler is in need of a serious intervention or psychological counselling.

In any event, after alienating the National Press Gallery and now refusing to meet with her mime peers, what's left for Buckler to do.

Collecting and EI cheque comes to mind.

Jack's Big Ass

Jack-in-the-Box Layton has finally signed on to President Harper's environmental plan to fine those who burp and fart while ignoring the real culprits causing global warming.

The Dippy lefty leader brought the House of Commons down this week when he produced hard facts in the Commons to support the Republican-Conservative argument that "Big Ass" is responsible for green house gas emissions.

Layton later told reporters in scrum that he blamed beans and burritos for the increase in emissions. He said the deadly combo of food stuffs should be outlawed.

"If you can set a fart aflame, then we have a problem. Blue Angels are the real threat facing the environment," Layton said in scrum.