How Red Will The President's Face Be Today?

President Harper blew yet another gasket this morning after Minister Responsible for Hot Air and Global Warming John Bully Beard completely bungled the release of the Republican Conservative inaction plan on the environment.

Tomorrow's budget-style announcement in Toronto has been thrown into chaos and confusion after a senior Beard staffer faxed the limp plan to the Liberal Opposition lobby Tuesday night.

A House of Commons page smartly delivered the greenless document to Liberal environment critic David McGuinty, thinking it was for him since there was nothing on the document to suggest otherwise.

Then all Hell broke loose.

Plainclothes House of Commons detectives arrived in the lobby looking for the lost papers.

Then an urgent fax was sent from the Department of the Environment trying to retrieve the fuck-up that originated in Beard's office of climate deniers.

Then McGuinty held a late-night news conference to bring to the attention of Canadians how careless and irresponsible ministers are on the lesser President's front bench.

And while Republican Conservative communication mimes were neck high in damage control, another catastrophe struck.

Poncho wearing dipsy doodlers in the NDP found yet another abandonned Republican Conservative document "lying" around Parliament Hill.

Unfuckingbelieveable.

The lefties unearthed a secret plan by the lesser President's cabal to create a $30 million summer festival fund to help Republican Conservative MPs buy favour in their ridings. A boondoggle in the making.

And the document was just lying there like a discarded bubble-gum wrapper.

And let's not forget, Republican Conservatives left thousands of documents behind in their former offices when they raced over to the PMO to take dibs on office space after the last election.

What is it with Republican Conservatives and documents?

Get a shredder for fuck's sake.

Birth Control Could Have Saved Us From Ezra Levant

The are so many twerps in the Republican Conservative ranks around President Harper they are too numerous to count.

But the deepest sphincter has got to be Ezra Levant, the juvenile wedgie who was chased out of Ottawa years ago for a number of reasons, including his inability to score with chicks like his Viagara energized roomie Rahim Jaffer.

While Jaffer was humping his brain out in one room, Levant would be sitting all alone in another watching a rerun of Happy Days while sucking on a soother and playing with floppy while dreaming of Preston Manning.

But what makes Levant a true king of assholes is using his unexplained place as a right-wing, Charlton Heston-loving, hack journalist (and we use the word lightly) to ink smear Liberal MP Mark Holland in some dumbass right-wing rag most people wouldn't let a hamster poop on.

(Networks no longer call the boob because ratings plunge every time he opens his pie hole and children run screaming to their mommies).

With a face for radio (where is Harper's make-up artist when you need one), the arrogant prick's latest salvo boggles the mind.

Memo to bespectacled midget and floppy flipper: Holland did not steal documents from President Harper's Republican Conservatives.

Harper and his team of misfits left them behind after winning what will be the last election under the lesser President, a cat lover and crystal ball gazer with a panchant for eye liner.

Get it moron: You fuckheads left them behind, scattered like litter around a huge office. Thousands of them. Liberals were left to put them in boxes because twerps like you couldn't Get The Job Done.

Finders keepers, losers weepers.

And now the feckless dweeb is writing that Holland has threatened legal action for Levant's allegations that the MP is a criminal.

He has the nerve to suggest that Holland's legal challenge is something Liberals do when they are caught doing something wrong.

Holland did everything right, even returning the documents that included personnel files on lazy Conservative staffers who still can't find the first-floor washroom in the Centre Block.

But what Levant didn't say is that the likes of Minister of Hot Air and Global Warming John Bully Beard have an account at the Conservative law firm Lang Michener.

The account is used regularly by Beard and other doorstop Conservatives to send legal chill letters to anyone who challenges them.

We just hope the Liberals kept Levant's personnel file.

We hear his performance as a toilet bowl cleanser was substandard.

In fact, one appraiser said Levant was even unfit to wipe the ass of Sheryl Crow, using one ply, one square.

Dick In Hand Conservative

Can you imagine what Minister of Hot Air and Global Warming John Bully Beard would have said after a crazed man burst into a London eaterie, grabbed a knife, hopped a table, yanked his pants down, and whacked off his willy in front of horrified diners.

The 35-year-old man was resting in London's St. Thomas Hospital after surgeons battled to save the severed dong in what British newspapers today were calling the first penis re-attachment surgery in the United Kingdom.

It's amazing what doctors can do with a needle and thread these days.

As for Beard, the betting line on what he would have said:

"What a waste."

President Harper's Crystal Balls

So President Harper is forcing Canadian taxpayers to pick up the bill for a staff psychic when what he really needs is a staff psychiatrist and a jelly enema.

Word out of the White House North bunker today is that the lesser President got so pissed off at the Psychic Hotline for not answering his repeated calls, he decided to hire a psychic, who also doubles as a make-up artist, shoe picker, thong presser, food tester and ass wiper (much to the chagrin of Minister of Hot Air and Global Warming John Bully Beard).

Those close to the lesser President say he has been severely depressed because of the sudden death of his beloved cat Cheddar, who may have taken his own life after some disturbing months living at the cat mansion overlooking the Ottawa River.

Harper has been so despondent, say the fart catchers around him, he has been using his psychic and her powers to communicate with the dead to reach out to Cheddar.

A transcript of a recent seance was sent to the Pain anonymously:

"Cheddar, are you there," Harper asks as the semll of incense wafts throughout the basement at 24 Sussex Drive.

"Who the fuck is asking?" purrrrrrs a familiar feline as Harper's psychic massages a crystal ball and scratches a rash on her primped arse.

"It's me Cheddar, the President. Can you hear me."

"What the fuck do you want asswipe. I was having a nice dream."

"I miss you Cheddar. Everything is unravelling around me and I have an itchy rash the national media is preoccupied with. I haven't had a bowel movement in a week and Laureen keeps pestering me to lose weight."

"You are one rotund motherfucker. You are the only cheese head I have ever heard of who has received a parking ticket in a McDonald's drive-thru. That should tell you something."

"Oh Cheddar, I miss our private time together. You know how to lift my spirits. I feel like a giddy schoolgirl."

"Listen door jam, you are a boob, an embarrassment, an incompetent leader, a climate denier and all-round mean person, a bully. And now I hear you use eyeliner and foundation and want John Bully Beard to call you Britney."

"Cheddar, why are you turning on me?"

"Because you named me after your favorite food and I hated living in the mansion. So piss off, I'm going back to sleep and never bother me again."

"Cheddar, Cheddar, Cheddar," Harper cried as the link to the other side was closed. "Oh why Cheddar. Why me. I have never been so Thunderstruck."

Indeed. Send in the clowns.

President Harper's Cat Bids Adieu

Sad news outta President Harper's taxpayer-funded cat mansion on the Ottawa River.

His famed tabby Cheddar is enjoying a healthy diet of poison-free mice in a place where armed cops in red serge don't watch your every move.

Cheddar is toast, say sources at 24 Sussex Drive where the tabby was unduly humiliated a few weeks ago when environmental activists tried to storm the grounds at the mansion. (See item below).

In other words, Cheddar is dead.

It was not clear at press time how the famed pussy met his maker.

Rumours were rampant Cheddar jumped off the cliff at the back of the mansion to the icy Ottawa River waters below.

Another suggested he got his paws on a Mountie revolver and pulled the plug that way.

Another suggested the lesser President, a cat lover, accidentally rolled over the feline in his sleep.

And there is the potential Cheddar was the victim of carelessness by those who kept feeding him tainted cat food despite an international recall.

One thing is for sure: It's not how Cheddar died, it's the fact he is now in a better place.

In lieu of Whiskas, financial donations can be sent to the Foundation To Save Cats From President Harper Everywhere.

Also, no word on whether the President buried the cat on the grounds at 24 Sussex. He buried another dead cat on the grounds at Stornoway when he wasn't President.

President Harper Minister Pukes In Park

Apparently a wild and crazy booze dripping evening was had by one of President Harper's front-bench seals at the Juno Awards in Saskatoon, according to sources who witnessed the embarrassing display of substance abuse.

Witnesses stumbled across the nearly passed out minister after he dumped his guts in a park adjacent to where the Junos were being held on April 1.

"He tossed his cookies like I've never seen," said one.

"He wretched like someone who had had a few (too many)," said another.

There is concern in the White House North bunker about the minister's irresponsible drinking and other habits that could embarrass the hell out of the lesser President as he seeks to control the world.

Some mutterings even suggest the cat loving lesser President could be forced to fire the loudmouth lout for his reckless behaviour if it continues.

And we all know it will. He can't help himself.

Stay tuned.

President Harper Red In Face

President Harper was red-faced in the House of Commons today.

Red with rage, red with Liberal envy. Whatever, he was redder than we've seem him in a long time.

Hill watchers were speculating what was up with the lesser President, a cat lover.

"There is something wrong with him," said one. "He looks like a beet," said another.

The lesser President and the stooges around him won't talk about health issues, but sources have whispered that he is suffering from hinges, a painful condition brought on by meglomaniasm and illusions of grandeur of becoming the Supreme Commander.

Being a dick comes to mind, but we digress.

Conservative sources say the lesser President cancelled a cat shearing contest at the last minute over the spring break, citing the fact that if he couldn't wear a tight leather vest and a clown-sized cowboy hat he would stay at the Ottawa cat mansion and sulk.

With a health blackout imposed around Harper, one can only speculate as to why his face was so red in the Commons during Question Period: Some thoughts.

(1)A bad weekend under a sun lamp.
(2)He filmed a spot for McCain's pizza. Looking into an oven.
(3)He got a rash from his cat Cheddar.
(4)A paint bomb exploded in his face.
(5)He's embarrassed by the lack of talent on his front bench.
(6)Minister Responsible for Hot Air and Global Warming John Beard grabbed his crotch.
(7)Assholes are always red in the face.
(8)Blood rushed to his head after awaking from his pre QP nap.
(9)The man girdle he wears to appear, er, buff, was tied to tightly.
(10)Laureen had just sent him a note, saying Baird and she were joining the Hell's Angels and leaving him in their exhaust. Both vanity licence plates read: Fuck global warming.

Conservatives:Overpriced Drug Lords

The headlines out of Ottawa this morning would suggest those in President Harper's White House North bunker are smoking something stronger than the medicinal marijuana they are pushing.

Republican Conservative drug lords are charging medical MaryJane users 15 times more for certified pot than it pays to buy the weed in bulk from its official supplier.

Health Canada pays $328.75 for each kilo of bulk medical weed produced by Prairie Plant Systems Inc. The dope is sold to qualified users for $150 per 30 grams. That works out to roughly $5,000 for each kilogram.

Critics rightfully argue that the country's sickest citizens are being ripped off by a government that pays scant attention to the most vulnerable in our society.

That's the Republican-Conservative way.

The bong lickers would take canes away from blind people and wheelchairs from those who can't walk if they could make a buck on renting them back to those in need.

President Harper Hugs Separatist

President Harper is following in the footsteps of the most despised PM in Canadian history. Step forward Brian Mulroney.

The lesser President, a cat lover, has hired a card-carrying separatist on the federal dime to oversee a $1 million witch hunt into an issue that has already been poked and prodded by Auditor General Sheila Fraser.

And no wrongdoing was found when Fraser unleashed her hounds on polling contracts. (Fraser should be looking at partisan polling by President Harper's Republican Conservatives: specifically, who is paying for it? It's certainly not the party.)

Harper's poster boy for accountability hypocrisy, Mike Fortier, the unelected minister of pork, introduced the Republican Conservative's latest pea shooter to woo Quebec voters under the guise of heading a taxpayer-funded smear job.

Danny Paille, a former Parti Quebecois cabinet minister and life-long Canada basher, squeezed his way into Fortier's good books by promising the sleepy Senator help to win him a seat in Quebec whenever President Harper decides to pull the plug.

Fortier, a former bank teller, has been ducking all opportunities to become an elected politician by hiding in the Senate and doing nothing while his unelected ministerial portfolio goes to rat shit.

The last Conservative PM to jump into the sack with separatists was Mulroney. He brought Lucien Bouchard into the Conservative fold.

And while Mulroney was raking up a federal deficit of $42 billion, Bouchard was laying the pipe to found the Bloc Quebecois.

And while the lesser President is hugging Paille, word on the street is that he is also hugging Bloc MP Louise Thibault, who quit her party today to sit as an Independent.

That's code for her to run under President Harper's banner when the writ is dropped.

The lesser President will do anything to secure a majority so he can roll back the social clock and change the face of Canada to that of a war-mongering nation like his American Idol George W. Bush.

While the body count rises in Afghanistan, Harper will do whatever it takes to hold on to power - including welcoming into his tent those who would destroy Canada.

Doris Day: A Red Faced Boob

The Barney loving cabinet minister (who should be the target of an RCMP investigation by his employees by now) showed yet again why the lights are dimming on the front benches of President Harper's cabinet of muzzled Republican Conservative knuckle draggers.

Stockwell Doris Day, a cave dweller, and global warming denier, had so much egg on his face today he looked like the splattered mess of the lesser President's pet cat smeared across the hull of his jet ski.

The head of the Canadian national police force that can't shoot straight is the laughing stock today at Interpol, MI5, CIA, Scotland Yard and the lone police constable in Dildo, Nfld.

In case you hadn't heard, Doris, the public safety pin minister, got a big woody when RUMOURS swirled that a ship heading to Halifax was carrying hundreds of stowaways seeking to sneak into Canada.

Day, a student of the often amusing and utterly ridiculous security reports by the fearmongering Liberal Senator Colin Kenney, sought to make headlines by slipping into a negligee, er, Halifax under the cover of a news blackout to pounce on asylum seekers once the ship reached port.

Agent 86, or Agent Orange as he is known in the department and a Remax agent in others, was hoping to cash in on what he fantasized would be his lasting legacy - the man behind the break-up of the world's largest human smuggling ring.

Unfortunately for Doris, the photo-op did not happen, nor did the planned news conference with the RCMP, local cops and immigration officials.

There were no stowaways. Not one. Not even an underage sailor.

The only illegal on the ship was Doris, a deflated caricature of himself, a boob in ministerial clothes, the Inspector Clousseau of Canadian intelligence gathering.

Que Sera, Sera.

Hey Doris, how much did taxpayers pay for the wayward search for phantom stowaways?

President Harper To Students: Buy Your Own

President Harper, a cat lover, has given thousands of Canadian students a lesson on what it's like to be a Republican-Conservative prime ministerial prick.

As the world knows there is a huge ceremony this weekend in Vimy, France to honour the men and women who fought and died for Canada during the First World War.

Thousands of Canadian students will be on hand for the event.

The official government entourage consists of 135 government officials, 20 RCMP, 20 horses, 300 members of the Armed Forces and 20 veterans.

The students raised money on their own to be part of the historic gathering and were assured by the lesser President's office that lunch would be provided to the students on the day of the memorial.

But at the last minute, the PMO killed the lunch program, saying it was too costly. They will pay to feed the horses.

Now the students are collectively out about $33,000 because box lunches will now have to be purchased from local hotels.

The money was originally going to be used to buy hats (souvenirs) for the kids.

Thanks Mr. President for screwing our children at the expense of bringing a bloated entourage - including horses - to an event that should be used to inspire kids, to teach them about the evils of war and the human sacrifices.

Thanks President Harper.

You taught Canada why you should be kicked out of office..

Fear Factory Churns Out Republican Spin

So the Republican Conservatives were proud as peeing cocks this week showing off their election war room fear factory to interested media.

Minister of Hot Air and Natural Disasters John Beard and his new sidekick, Maxine Bernier, minister of we are not really sure, became the butt of jokes for their Abbott and Costello routine in front of assembled scribes.

The dynamic duet had them rolling in the aisles after telling journos their 17,000 square foot fear factory was up and running because of the looming threat of Liberal Leader Stephane Dion.

Media busted a gut when the dancing partners said it is Dion who is itching to find a way to topple President Harper's minority Republican Conservative government.

The fear factory, they said, was opened just in case Dion forced an election.

First of all, Dion does not have the right number of seats to defeat the muzzled muppets across the way in the Commons.

Secondly, thirdly and fourthly, it's the Republican Conservatives who have been spending like drunken sailors on attack ads, it's the same group that refuses to give Royal Assent to fixed election date legislation and finally it's the Republican Conservatives who opened an election war room.

It's pretty evident who wants the election.

And it looks like the lesser President will use youth justice legislation to bring his own government down.