See Rona Run

Pollution Minister Rona Ambrose continued her ambitious agenda this week to enshrine Canada as international laughingstock on the environment file.

The dimming light in President Harper's cowed cabinet of flip floppers ducked yet another appearance before the House Commons Standing Committee on the Environment.

Ambrose said she cancelled her second appearance in a month because of a scheduling conflict. Absolute rubbish, according to sources close to the file.

In fact, Ambrose cancelled out of fear, said sources. She does not want to face criticism of her dismal performance as minister and her contradictions on Kyoto.

In fact, Republican-Conservatives tried to broker a deal to get Ambrose to appear on the condition Liberal MPs on the committee treat her with kid gloves.

Liberals rejected the outrageous offer and Ambrose made up an excuse not to appear.

Even her spokesman could not say what the scheduling conflict was to keep her off the hot seat. Unbelievable.

Voters Get it Right in London North Centre

NDP Leader Jack-in-the-box Layton read the tea leaves this morning and the future looks bleak for his fledgling party of poncho-wearing tax and spend misfits.

Layton suffered an embarrassing defeat Monday night when his dirty tricks candidate in the London North Centre byelection was soundly thrashed, pummelled, and horse whipped by the Liberals, Greens and even the Charter bashing Republican Conservatives led by former Dubya Bush stenographer Dianne Haskett.

Dipper Doodle candidate Megan Walker placed fourth - an omen of things to come nationally considering the Greens led by Leader Elizabeth May gobbled more NDP support than any other political party in the Ontario byelection.

Layton's party of Republican-Conservative wannabees - step forward Patsy Martin - was Thunderstruck, 11 months after Layton hatched a neo-con plan with then Opposition leader Steve Harper to bring down the Liberal government, effectively killing a national child-care plan, the Kelowna Accord and Kyoto.

If Dippers look whiplashed today, that's because they keep looking over their left shoulder and see the Green Party train coming at them Like a Bat out of Hell.

Cheech and Chong: The Final Doobie

President Harper's 'my way or the highway' strategy was finally embraced by one of his cabinet minister's this evening when Intergovernmental Affairs Minister Michael Chong put his right foot to the metal and told the lesser President to eat his dust.

Cheech's sidekick quit the President's cabinet over what he perceives to be the lesser President's hidden agenda to carve up Canada at any cost to win more seats in Quebec and ultimately the majority government he needs to roll back the social clock.

Chong, who also doled out softballs and footballs as minister responsible for amateur sport, told friends, colleagues, his agent and God he was fed up with being muzzled by unelected officials in the lesser President's inner circle.

He said there was no consultation on the lesser President's move to recognize Quebecers as a nation within a united Canada. Chong did not support the motion and was not consulted before the President made one of his unilateral decisions.

The only person the President consulted - a humiliation for Chong - was Liberal MP and leadership candidate Stephane Dion, a constitutional guru.

Not only was Chong kept out of the loop, so was Lawrence Cannon, the President's Quebec lieutenant and sometimes Transport Minister. Another humiliation.

Chong abstained from voting on the Monday night motion instead of showing some backbone and voting against, which is typical of Republican Conservatives when faced with tough decisions.

Screw Freedom of Speech: President Harper

Ousted Republican-Conservative bad boy Garth Turner spilled the beans today on President Harper's dicktator-style of governing. Turner, now an Independent, confirmed what all of Ottawa has known for months.

The President does not want to hear the views of his backbench Republican Conservative sheep. All policy is set by unelected religious retreads in the Communist-controlled White House North bunker.

The only advice the lesser President, a cat loving control freak, will heed comes the from the religious zealots who truly run the PMO - thumpers like Charles McVety, an anti-gay, anti abortion evangelical pulpit boombox who likes to boast that he can get President Harper on the phone within minutes of calling his prodigy while it takes elected MPs weeks, if at all.

``I believe there is a pipeline from a certain constituency, whatever you want to call it, righteous right, I believe there is a pipeline into the Prime Minister's Office and into the party,`` Turner said in media reports.

MPs, on the other hand, cannot call President Harper. They are told to shut up or risk being given the heave-ho like Turner. Democracy in action folks.

It's also well known around town that President Harper has told his unelected flock not to clink their chalices too loudly on issues such as gay marriage and abortion until after the Republican-Conservatives gain unfettered access to the Constitution by winning a majority. Scary.

Poilievre Fit To Be A Bell Boy

Nepean-Carleton residents will be glad to hear that their diaper-clad MP is excelling at his new duties in the House of Commons when he is not telling other MPs to F... off or giving them the finger or challenging them to fist fights.

Pierre Poilievre, the potty-mouthed Republican-Conservative MP, page letch, and all-round door jam, has been busy training for a new career when Ottawa-area voters turf the self satisfying grease ball from office.

Hill watchers roared with laughter the other day when Treasury Board Bully John Beard turned to his parliamentary secretary in the Commons and muttered something unintelligible. Diaper boy sits directly behind the official spokesman for hair weave products.

Poilievre jumped to his feet and ran out of the Commons, only to return a few moments later carrying a legal briefcase. He handed the case over to Beard.

He's a bag fetcher for Beard, roared those in the gallery who witnessed the shameless display of ass kissing.

The International Association of Bell Boys salutes you Pierre Poilievre.

A spokesperson for Union Station in Toronto said they were keeping a spot open for the up and coming Red Cap.

"He has found his true calling. He showed speed, control and dexterity in the way he fetched Beard's bag," the train station spokesman said. "The only negative is that he didn't wait around long enough for a tip."

MacKay Recovering After Foot Pulled From Mouth

The on-staff dentist in the office of Fawning Affairs Minister Peter MacKay was called in late last night to perform what has become a routine procedure on the dog renter.

McMouth was resting comfortably today after a two-hour procedure to extract the foot from the mouth that keeps on giving. The surgery was a little trickier this time because MacKay, son of Elmer Fudd MacKay, was wearing a rubber boot.

MacKay's latest (but not last) slip of the tongue follows President Harper's gaffe-filled rickshaw joyride through Asia last week and Pollution Minister Rona Ambrose's international humiliation at a United Nations climate conference in Kenya.

MacKay was spanked today for irresponsibly raising the hopes of a Canadian family whose son is being held in jail in China on suspicion of terrorism. MacKay said Monday that Canada had won a commitment from China not to execute Huseyin Celil.

"We've already received a guarantee that (China) would not pursue the death penalty,'' McMouth said outside the House of Commons.

Mackay went on to blather that the guarantee to spare the life of the Canadian was evidence Canada was making headway with the Chinese government. Yet another fib.

But before MacKay could fully put the other foot in his mouth, his spokesman jumped to his side and contradicted him, saying, ah, not so fast boss, Canada had won no such commitment.

``I'm tired of picking up after you,`` the spokesman was heard uttering to MacKay as McMouth lumbered down a hallway with his mime a few steps behind.

Chinese government officials hiding behind the Great Wall at their embassy in Ottawa spoke openly over a dim sum breakfast today about how gutsy it was of President Harper to wear a silk dress and then pose for pictures while in Vietnam for the APEC summit.

Bully Beard Pulls Hair Out Of Weave

Treasury Board Bully John Beard pulled the hair out of his weave today when a picture of President Harper posing in Vietnam in a traditional silk tunic embroidered with golden lotus flowers landed on his desk.

Beard was so outraged that the President got to wear a pastel blue ao dai, a flowing garment that is worn exclusively by women, that he ordered staffers to run to the nearest La Senza to see if they could find a matching outfit.

Beard's jealous rage was the talk of the town when staffers returned with no silk garments for their boss. He was still locked in a washroom and sulking at press time.

The Daily Telegraph reported that on a slender female form, the ao dai, a clinging piece of clothing slit to above the hip, is simultaneously elegant and alluring.

When sported by paunchy middle-aged Caucasian men like President Harper, it is substantially less flattering as the picture that landed on Baird's desk shows.

It sure was Gutsy on the part of President Harper to wear the outfit. He Pulled No Punches slipping into the number. He threw a few when officials asked for the garment back.

Communists Speak for President Harper

The communications mimes around President Harper have let the cat lover down again.

The President took three mimes with him on his taxpayer-funded junket to Asia where he embarrassed Canada, but when media following the upright disaster wanted to ask questions on behalf of Canadians they were told to piss on a kimona.

Head mime and Ottawa's newest spy (see item below) Sandra Buckler orchestrated the communications bamboozle around Bubble Boy.

Buckler had one of her legendary hissy shitfits when a journalist asked a question out of turn during a photo-op with the Vietnamese leader.

Buckler took revenge on the media pack by shutting them out for the remainder of the President's joyride through the Orient while she and her two prodigys - Carolyn Clifford Olson and Dimitri Diet Soudas - gave each other manicures.

The media, of course, are used to Buckler and her tantrums. They got the story anyways. Thank Stalin the real Communist communications team in Hanoi came to their rescue.

Canadians found out about the true substance of the President's brief meet and greet with Chinese President Hu Jinato thanks to a Chinese foreign ministry official. Buckler and her team of mimes had gone underground . . . to shop and drink rice wine.

Also, when news broke Canada was wasting its time sending a diplomat to North Korea, it didn't come from Buckler's ace crew. The Korean government told Canadian reporters.

There is a saying that you are only as good as those around you. If that is true then President Harper is a colossal disaster.

President Harper 's Rocky Horror Rickshaw Show

Canadians were relieved to learn today that President Harper returned to the White House North bunker after stumbling and bumbling his way through the travel virgin's first-ever trip to Asia where he embarrassed Canada and himself on the world stage.

The lesser President, a cat lover, offended the Chinese through his neophyte understanding of Chinese history and his lack of respect for and ignorance of one of the world's oldest cultures.

President Harper's rocky horror rickshaw ride through the Orient has set Canada-China relations back years for his human rights broadside at the Chinese when the world knows the lesser President is the ultimate hypocrite on human rights for his Third World treatment of Canada's First Nations and other vulnerable groups.

President Harper fails to grasp that a healthy trade relationship with the rising economic super power can go a long way towards addressing human rights abuses.

His chopstick approach to diplomacy is a textbook case of why Republican-Conservative Presidents like Harper should be barred from travelling outside the country.

Head Mime About to Lose Head

Startling news out of the capital today involving President Harper's head mime.

The President's no-show director of communist communications is a step closer to being tossed onto the street, according to Republican-Conservative cabinet ministers who say Sandra Buckler is out of control and needs to be ejected.

One need look no further than the growing negative coverage and big, bad and bold headlines of Harper's bizarre stand on foreign affairs (pissing off the Chinese, snubbing the EU, irking the French) to understand Buckler is in a shitload of trouble.

Her testy relationship with journalists and her inability to return phone calls is legend in Ottawa. Few people even know what she looks like.

And now we are hearing the head mime is spying on muzzled ministers and has enlisted the help of ministerial toadies to spill the beans on their bosses.

Buckler has ordered that staff working for cabinet ministers secretly provide her with assessments of their bosses' communication skills.

That's rich coming from a corpse who does not know how to communicate.

Now that Buckler has been ratted out by a number of ministerial mimes who are finally beginning to stand up to the PMO dimwit, a shitstorm is brewing.

Cabinet ministers say enough is enough.

Buckler has got to go, they say, or the knives will come out for the President, whose lack of leadership is killing the Republican-Conservative party as it sinks in the polls.

Buckler did not return phone calls.

That's because she and the President's other two press mimes - Carolyn Clifford Olsen and Dimitri Diet Soudas - are in Hanoi on a taxpayer-paid-for-junket doing what they do best - sightseeing and shopping.

Palm Sistas Dump Jason Kenney

Jason Kenney, the homely Republican-Conservative irritant, is a bigger sphincter today than he was yesterday and it has nothing to do with the five cheeseburgers and three pizzas he gobbled last night while trying and failing (again) to pick up his first date at a Zeller's cafeteria counter.

The Fred Flintstone look-a-like is a pithy Yabba Dabba Doo excuse for a politician.

He proved why he is who he is in an e-mail he sent to Liberal MP Keith Martin yesterday moments after Martin issued a timely press release criticizing President Harper's bungling of international affairs.

-----Original Message-----
From: Kenney, Jason - Personal
Sent: November 15, 2006 4:59 PM
To: Martin, Keith - M.P.
Subject: FW: NEWS RELEASE - COMMUNIQUÉ

Please pass onto Keith that this release reminds me of how glad I am to have left the cynicism of the Liberal Party behind in college; and how sad it is to see him become an apologist for a party whose China policy was effectively written in Beijing. I'm sure that if we ever manage to get Hussien Celil out of a Chinese jail, he will be very grateful for Keith's moral support.

Jason Kenney, MP
Parliamentary Secretary to the Prime Minister

What a dope.

The only positive news in the juvenile and petulant e-mail is the fact Kenney was kicked out of the Liberal party during his college years. The reason for his expulsion has been ordered sealed by the courts, but frat sources say it had something to do with a goat and cheeze balls.

Kiss My Grits

Scientists have found a new use for Botox other than flattening wrinkles in skin and puffing up thin lips.

Not only can the popular cosmetic treatment relieve severe pain in patients suffering osteoarthritis of the knee, Botox can also be used to remove a stinging pain in one's ass.

That's right folks.

Tired of Republican-Conservatives like John Baird, Jason Kenney and Pierre Poilievre kissing your ass, then Botox could be your answer.

Doctors recommend that injections of Botulinum Toxin Type A will quickly relieve discomfort after months of Republican-Conservative ass kissing.

Side effects include a continued dislike of President Harper and, in rare cases, an uncontrollable desire to kick a Republican-Conservative in the arse, or out of office.

Panda Shuns President Harper

Chinese President Hu Jintao is starting to think a lot like a growing number of Canadians: President Harper, a cat lover, is not fit to pet a Panda.

Hu has told President Harper and his APEC-bound entourage of hangers-on to forget about a private meeting this week at the summit in Vietnam.

Hu, like a growing number of world leaders, is distancing himself from the right-wing extremist ideology President Harper has embraced to redefine Canada around the globe as a Bushlight nation of war mongerers and rights' abusers.

Hu is outraged at President Harper and irritants like Fred Flintstone clone Jason Kenney who go out of there way to heap scorn on China for human rights abuses when the President and his gunslinging ilk of Republican Conservatives are the international champions of human rights abuses.

One need look no further than President Harper's treatment of aboriginals in Canada to understand the hypocrisy of the President's own dismal record.

Hu has every right to tell President Harper to take a hike. Other leaders are biting at the chance to tell the President to piss off.

Ambrose An International Joke

Pollution Minister Rona Ambrose continues to blacken Canada's eye on the international stage.

Why this person is trotting around the globe on Canada's behalf is the talk of the town today.

Between her and lameduck President Harper, a cat lover, Canada is now a intergalactic laughingstock, a joke on late night comedy shows, fodder for comic strips.

Once a proud nation, Canadians are now hiding in shame thanks to the foreignless policy of President Harper's Republican Conservatives.

Ambrose, of course, knows nothing about the environment.

Science to her is how they get the caramel in a Cadbury chocolate bar. Kyoto to her is a suishi dish. Global warming to her is produced by EasyBake ovens.

She has been a complete failure since the President dumped her in environment.

Like a typical Republican-Conservative, Ambrose blames everybody else but herself and her party for the mess she and President Harper have created.

Her party of extremists (step forward Dianne Haskett) has had 13 years to come up with the simplest of environment plans, but to date have delivered nothing but threats of fines against people who burp or fart.

Even the President's showpiece legislation on the environment was dead on arrival before it reached the steps of Parliament.

Delegates at the United Nations Climate Change Conference in Nairobi have singled out Ambrose and President Harper as the single greatest threats to the environment.

Things are so bad, Americans no longer sport the Maple Leaf on their backpacks when travelling abroad. They don't want Europeans confusing them with Canadians.

Where Is Dianne Haskett & And Who is this Alien?

President Harper has laid another cracked egg in his communications cuckoo nest as he aggressively asserts complete communist control over his Republican-Conservative agenda to destroy Canada and hoist the Stars and Stripes.

The paranoid and increasingly bizarre dicktator at the White House North bunker has stunned advocates of free speech, democracy and the Charter of Rights after stealing a page from the Stalin handbook to erect a Berlin Wall around his hand-picked cardboard cutout running away from the London North Centre by-election.

Homophobic Charter basher Dianne Haskett, on the advice of the cat loving lame duck President Harper, has willingly agreed to tape her mouth shut for the duration of her campaign of fear and has proclaimed that she won't talk to local or national media until after voters in London cast their ballots Nov. 27.

Not only is she running away from interviews, the gutless wonder is ducking all challenges to publicly debate the issues, has launched Republican-style negative ads, and is gleefully accepting illegal campaign help from Republican-Conservative staffers in Ottawa. (See Dork Finley item below).

Haskett, of course, is an ultra extremist Republican-Conservative who has spent the last six years in Washington fawning over the world's scariest man in White House South and rallying the stemless cells on the religious right.

She bolted south after a frightful tenure as London mayor where she offended Muslims and homosexuals and a huge list of other vulnerable groups to numerous to mention.

Her decision as mayor not to proclaim a Gay Pride Proclamation was met with a $5,000 fine against the zealot by the Ontario Human Rights Commission.

Haskett is the true face of President Harper's neo-con party of muzzled monsters.

Voters in London should send President Harper a message on Nov. 27 and vote for freedom of speech, health care, the environment, seniors, students and all things that make Canada great by electing Liberal candidate Glen Pearson.

A vote for Haskett is a vote for Communism and dirty air. Even worse, a vote for Haskett is a vote for the second scariest man on the planet.

President Harper Stinks

President Harper is stinking up the environment again.

The cat lover's presidential motorcade was singled out today in a disturbing report that says sport utility vehicles and big trucks are generating more than a quarter of Canada's greenhouse gas emissions.

The report failed to mention that the other three quarters of emissions comes from the windbags in the Republican-Conservative caucus.

We digress.

The president, of course, is ferried around in a U.S.-style motorcade of pollution belching SUV's. He so wants to be like the Real President. Too bad he will always be Mini-me to his American Idol.

His idling, smog-on-wheels fleet is conveniently hidden behind the Library of Parliament so the president can sneak away and avoid the glare of national media.

Pollution Minister Rona Ambrose was unavailable to comment on the president's continued abuse of the environment.

She was too busy deliberately sabotaging the country's position at the world conference on climate change in Nairobi, Kenya.

Butt Faxing Haunts MacKay

Fawning Affairs Minister Peter MacKay is back at his permanent desk in the wood shed today after being accused of abusing public funds by allowing his daddy, Elmer Fudd MacKay, to improperly use a fax machine at McMouth's constituency office in Central Nova.

The elder MacKay, a former cabinet toadie of little notice during the despised tenure of former prime minister Brian Mulroney, is accused of using the riding fax machine to transmit letters defending his Oktoberfest pretzel-eating partner Karlheinz "Airbus" Schreiber.

As the world knows, the soon-to-be-kicked-out-of-Canada German businessman is entangled in the Republican-Conservative Airbus scandal, one of the many billion-dollar scandals President Harper's mentor oversaw during his glory days as the baritone PM.

(Mulroney, as every history book shows, grossly mismanaged the public purse during his tenure, leaving Canada with a $42 billion deficit by the time voters turfed all but two of his MPs out of office in 1993).

According to the House of Commons guidelines Republican-Conservatives like MacKay abuse all the time, MPs must strictly use office equipment for parliamentary functions and not as toys for parents of disgraced MPs who call female MPs dogs.

Fudd MacKay abused the fax machine in 2005 when his legitimate offspring (even though cross bearer Republican-Conservative MP Helena Guergis says he was raised solely by his mother, sisters and wolves) was an opposition MP.

The shameful indiscretion is being investigated at the highest levels of the RCMP - The Musical Ride. Charges are pending.

Harper Calls Boy George

President Harper was in a sour mood today, just like every day for the cat lover, but today was different as he watched his Republican mentors south of the 49th lose their family values' grip on the nation's business.

Apparently humping Congressional pages and and lying about rampant crystal meth drug use and boffing male prostitutes the GOP way didn`t sit well with the electorate.

The lesser President called his American Idol early this morning to commisserate about widely expected election defeats for the war mongerer. President Harper's top mime sent this blogger a copy of the transcript.

"Yeah, I'm trying to track down my Boy George."

"Who may I say is calling?"

"President Harper."

"Who?"

"You know, Steve, the President of the 51st state."

"I'll put you through."

"Steve, is that really you?"

"It's me Dubya. Thought I would call to see how you are doing."

"I'm losing it Steve."

"Canadians have been saying that about you for years, but I keep lying to them saying it's not true."

"I was talking about control Steve. You know, the Congress."

"Don't worry about it. You are still in charge."

"But I am a lameduck, Steve."

"So. I've been a lameduck since January when I fooled Canadians into voting for me on the promise I wouldn`t touch income trusts and I would do something about the environment among a whole bunch of other lies I conjured up to win a minority."

"I need you to hold me Steve. Can you come to Washington?"

"Whoa there cowboy. I am no Mark Foley or Ted Haggard. But I think John Baird and Jason Kenney are free."

"Thanks old friend and thanks for that $1.5 billion you gave me off the top of the softwood deal."

"Consider it a downpayment."

Health Warning

The Centers for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of a Sexually Transmitted Disease. The disease is contracted through dangerous and high-risk behavior.

The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim and is pronounced "gonna reelect him."

Cognitive characteristics of individuals infected include: antisocial personality disorders (Republican-Conservative caucus), delusions of grandeur with messianic overtones (President Harper), extreme cognitive dissonance, inability to incorporate new information, xenophobia, paranoia, inability to accept responsibility for one's own actions (Pollution Minister Rona Ambrose anf Fawning Affairs Minister Peter McMouth MacKay)), cowardice masked by misplaced bravado (Treasury Board Bully John Beard) uncontrolled facial smirking (Treasury Board Bully John Beard), ignorance of geography and history (Public Safety Pin Minister Stockwell Day), tendencies towards evangelical theocracy (Fred Flintstone double Jason Kenney), and categorical all-or-nothing behavior (Republican-Conservative caucus).

Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed at how this destructive disease originated only a few years ago from a bush found in Texas.

Scientists say they have developed an extreme vaccine to contain it before Republican-Conservatism spreads any further in Canada. The New England Journal of Medicine called the vaccine Stephen Harper, aka President Harper.

Jason Kenney Caught in Yet Another Fib

The five o'clock shadow from Bedrock, aka Jason Kenney, fibbed once again in the House of Commons. The stubble-faced irritant is a compulsive fibber in the House of Commons where MPs can say anything they want under the sun without recrimination.

Kenny uses the same playbook as Republican-Conservative spiritual mentor Ted Haggard, the disgraced former head of the National Association of Evangelicals who lied about and then apologized for taking drugs and having sex with male prostitutes after a lifetime crusading against taking drugs and having sex with male prostitutes.

"I am a deceiver and a liar," the married father and hypocritical Republican-Conservative champion of family values said in a boo hoo apology to his flock of sheep who for decades bought into his moral compass.

Page 6 of the Canada-U.S. Republican-Conservative playbook says keep the lie alive for a week and then apologize. Fawning Affairs Minister Peter MacKay has not read that far into the playbook, or he would have apologized by now for referring to Belinda Stronach as a dog in the Commons three weeks ago.

As for Kenney, his latest fib was heard around the world after he said President Harper was unaware that Kyoto would be on the agenda at a Canada-EU Summit later this month in Finland before the lesser President abruptly cancelled his trip to Scandanavia.

President Harper, of course, is ducking the gathering because he feared the headlines back home would be big, bad and bold because he does not have an environmental policy, nor a minister who knows anything about global warming.

Kenney was caught in his lie today after Finland's ambassador to Canada said the agenda for the meeting was set two weeks ago and included a session on Kyoto and the environment. Pasi Patokallio also said in media reports that President Harper and his minions were aware of what was on the agenda at that time.

In the House of Commons, Kenney, who bears an uncanny resemblance to Fred Flintstone, was asked whether President Harper was chickening out of the meeting because Kyoto was on the agenda.

"We have not seen the agenda of this summit with the European Union, so I do not know if the question of climate change was part of the agenda," he said with a straight face during Question Period. What a crock.

How To Get Rid of Harper Nuisances

Tired of Republican-Conservatism. Tired of President Harper's gross mismanagement of the environment while the world around him slowly dies. Tired of the lesser President's follies on the international stage.

Tired of a front bench that cannot speak. Tired of a back bench that unanimously supported cutting funding to programs that helped the most vulnerable in our society - women, aboriginals, illiterate, students, homeless, etc. Tired of having your retirement funds swirl down the drain because of yet another broken election promise. Then listen up folks.

There is a new device on the market to help you get rid of Republican-Conservatives. It's called the LouseBuster, a new blow dryer-like device that can quickly blow lice right off the head of a person with an infected scalp. No more powerful delousing shampoos and nit picking.

But wait, the LouseBuster can also be used to blow Republican-Conservatives off your doorstep when they come knocking at election time. That's right. Just point the device at the candidate and pull the trigger. The nasty nuisance will be gone in seconds and you will feel better.

Mime Exodus Continues on Hill

The parade of mimes leaving Republican-Conservative ministerial offices - kinda like rats leaving a sinking ship - is the talk of the town today as head mime and lobbyist Sandra Buckler and her sideshow flunky and part-time Shriner's clown Dimitri Diet Soudas try to contain a larger scale walkout.

Eight mimes (and counting) have so far bolted from their jobs as so-called directors of communications since President Harper moved his crew into the White House North Bunker in February.

The reason for the alarming rate of departures is widely known in Ottawa. All middle fingers point at Buckler.

One unemployed mime described Buckler's communication strategy as bizarre, backwards and damaging to free speech.

"It's like driving a car without holding the steering wheel, "an ex-staffer said in an e-mail about Buckler's control-freak style of managing. "This is Communism at its finest. I'd rather work at Tim Hortons. At least there we can talk to the customers."

Finley Urges Abuse of Funds

President Harper is urging his most senior political operative to encourage Hill staffers of Republican-Conservative MPs to flagrantly abuse public funds to help the party's candidates in a pair of upcoming by-elections.

According to media reports today, Doug Finley, husband of RayBan promoter and Human Resources and Lack of Development Minister Diane Finley, fired off a memo to staff to "encourage your Hill staff to participate in persuasion calling, which will be co-ordinated by the party's political operations team."

The memo goes on to suggest that staffers use their parliamentary office resources to pen letters of encouragement for the Republican-Conservative candidates running in London-North-Centre and Repentigny, the Quebec riding where the unelected and unaccountable Minister of Public Embarrassment and part-time Senator Michael Fortier is chicken to run in.

Of course, Finley's missive runs afoul of Treasury Board guidelines, which cleally state that any staffer who decides to become actively involved in any election campaign is required to take a leave without pay or resign.

It's a shame the President cut funding to literacy programs.

Harper A Tasteless Chicken

President Harper has yet again ruffled international feathers by chickening out on key meetings with European leaders.

What insiders in Ottawa are calling The Squawk Heard Around The World, the yellow President cancelled his participation in a Canada-European Union summit in Finland later this month because he feared be would be internationally spanked for miserably failing the world on an environmental policy to curb global warming.

The President, of course, has no environmental policy with the exception of a draconian Republican-Conservative plan by the dimmest bulb in Canadian prime ministerial history to impose fines on Canadians who fart and burp.

The president's refusal to attend the meetings was met with international condemnation. He was lampooned in editorial cartoons from China to Hawaii.

Radio talk shows were lit up with outrage by green Canadians who lost their retirement incomes last week after the President deliberately broke an election promise not to tinker with income trusts.

It is well known around Ottawa that the President doesn't believe global warming exists. He argues there is no science to prove the world is getting warmer, oceans are rising, and glaciers are melting.

He also believes Elvis is alive and living in Tweed, Ont.

Bully Baird Hides Under Legal Skirt

Treasury Board Bully John Beard has hired a team of legal chipmunks to defend the thin skin of the closeted politician.

The face of Republican-Conservatism is crying foul over a satirical video montage of his cheap hair weave that was supposed to air this week on the Rick Mercer show.

But before the snarling bully could be lampooned he dipped into the public purse and hired an Ottawa lawyer to fire off a threatening cease and desist order to the brass at the public broadcaster.

The knee-jerk powers at the CBC did not want to lose the nearly $1 billion in taxpayer funding the network gobbles up annually and caved.

Too bad.

Now Canadians must tune in to the daily Question Period in the House of Commons to watch Bully Beard lampoon himself.

Fortier An Unaccountable Freeloader

Michael Fortier, the unelected multi-millionaire part-time senator from someplace near Montreal, took a cheap shot at the hundreds of thousands of Canadian seniors who lost their retirement funds this morning after President Harper broke a key election promise and imposed a tax on income trusts.

The absent, unelected Public Embarrassment Minister told seniors to "take a deep breath and a valium and get over it" when asked about the carnage HIS Republican-Conservative government wrought on seniors - many who will now be forced to rejoin the workforce after their retirement portfolios were wiped out.

The former bank teller's disgraceful comments are typical of someone who has more money than brains.

Canadian taxpayers are paying the freeloader more than $250,000 a year to do nothing. He refuses to run in an upcoming Montreal-area bye-election and he doesn't answer any questions in the Senate when he bothers to show up.

Montreal voters are salivating at the chance to show the lazy lout how they feel about him if and when he sprouts gonads and decides to run.

But the betting line is that Fortier will chicken out and hunker down in the Senate and ride the life-long gravy train. Typical of Republican-Conservatives.

President Harper is a Big Fat Liar And Getting Fatter

Big Jim Flaherty kicked all Canadians in the twins today by raping investment portfolios of what could amount to $30 billion in losses after President Harper broke a key election promise not to fiddle with income trusts.

Stock markets plunged and investments were wiped out by the former Mike Harris bean counter's decision to tax income trusts. Ottawa was abuzz today over yet another Republican-Conservative flip flop.

The President told the weekly gathering of caucus cavemen that it was OK to screw taxpayers.

"If Peter MacKay and my close confidant Norman Spector can call women dogs and bitches, then I can call taxpayers suckers," he said to applause. "Canadian voters are stupid. Proof in point, they elected us. We will win them back with candy and free handguns. Trust me."

Norman Spector a Bigger Dickhead Today

Brian Mulroney's former boot licker is a bigger dickhead today then he was yesterday after he repeated his chauvinist rant against Canadian women, likening the opposite sex to bitches.

The poster boy for why his parents should have used birth control repeated his Belinda Stronach bitch comments in Victoria, prompting growing calls for the spermless moron to be fired as a newspaper columnist and TV pundit.

The hapless dildo also blamed Fawning Affairs Minister Peter MacKay's woes on female members of the National Press Gallery who Speckless says kept alive the story of McMouth referring to the auto parts heiress as a dog and then lying about it.

Spector, President Harper's special Republican-Conservative advisor on cavemen's issues, doesn't get it. Women across Canada should be outraged.

They should cancel subscriptions to the newspaper he submits drivel to, and switch off the network he shills for until the asshole (Webster's Dictionary) is fired.